Part V: Polyamory, Monogamy and other types of bonds explained: Infidelity and Betrayal. The shadow of the Third. Envy and Jealousy.

"If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable."-Seneca

Table of contents:

The aim of this six-part newsletter is to provide a thorough understanding of how we relate to ourselves first, how our self-concept influences and favors outcomes according to how we expect others to value our presence, how relationships form, and why, regardless of our attachment style, even if it is secure, we must learn to develop the skills and abilities to acknowledge, negotiate, and request from those around us, as well as understand how reciprocity and giving back are essential in all relationships.

Part I: Read here.
Our biology, why we pair bond, the neurochemistry, and hormone systems
What is an attachment style
What is Polyamory/Monogamy
Monogamy, non-monogamy, polyamory, and other types of bonds

Part II: Read here
Healing the Attachment Style.
The Path of Individuation
Denial as a Defense Mechanism
Understanding How Trauma Works
How to resolve trauma (and why)
Grief

Part III: Read here
Sadness/Tears
Self-verification theory/ self-concept/ self-esteem
Boundaries: Healthy, porous, and rigid
Compatibility and incompatibility
Differences and sameness importance
Symbiosis and Autonomy

Part IV: Read here
Object Relations Theory:
The splitting of the ego/ the “bad” object, and the “good” object in our mind—why do we stay in dysfunctional relationships
The Self's Growth: Accepting the Good and the Bad
Carl Rogers: Actual Self, Ideal Self, and Self Actualization

Part V (this newsletter)
Infidelity and betrayal
Inviting and unpacking the shadow of the third
Jealousy and envy

Part VI ( last part newsletter)
Shame and guilt
The universal need to belong
Individuation
Conclusions

*References

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Hello dear readers!

It has been a clarifying journey for me in writing this six-part newsletter, where I attempted to address how polyamory, monogamy, and other types of bonds work from psychological, biological, and social points of view.

While I intended to dissect some of the underlying psychology that shapes our exploration of adult relationships, I intentionally avoided discussing how to explore these relationships from the perspective of sexual expression.

I plan to dive into this topic in the near future, which will be addressed in a more in-depth section of its own. I look forward to sharing more of my thoughts with you, just as I eagerly anticipate hearing and reading your thoughts on what has been discussed here.

I want to express my gratitude to all of you who are still reading and supporting my ongoing work. It has been a bumpy road for me, so your support and warmth mean a lot as I transition and learn to write, guide, educate, and explore the depths of all the diversity I long for.

I hope we can all pursue our dreams and longings and shed light on our deepest desires. Thank you!

“When we awaken to the truth of who we are, we find that we are not just sexual beings but sacred beings, capable of profound intimacy and connection.”-
Marlene Seven Bremner

Illustration by ©Struvictory Art. Image Licensed by the Author

Infidelity and Betrayal

The word "infidelity" comes from the Latin infidelitas, from infidelis (in- meaning "not" and fidelis meaning "faithful").*5

"Betrayal" derives from the Old French trahir (to deceive) and Latin tradere (to hand over, deliver), composed of trans- (across) and dare (to give).*5

Infidelity is a form of betrayal specific to romantic relationships, involving sexual or emotional cheating.

Betrayal is a broader violation of trust or loyalty that can occur in any relationship, not limited to romantic ones.

This is an emotionally charged topic for many people, with countless reasons behind why infidelity happens, why we betray, and how we react to it. I will attempt to cover some psychological and social insights based on the resources, studies and books I listed in the notes.¹

"Infidelity is not about sex, it's about keeping secrets. When you keep a part of your life hidden, you’re betraying the trust that forms the foundation of intimacy."
– Esther Perel

Why infidelity and betrayal affects us so much? Why do we cheat?

Infidelity is not a personal failing; it is influenced by broader social, psychological, and cultural factors, as well as inherent trans-generational beliefs and biological challenges related to addiction and self-regulation, making it one of the most difficult emotions to understand and deconstruct.

Infidelity has deep historical and cultural roots.

We may be among the first generations in hundreds of years to marry and form relationships because we are "in love" and have the economic and social freedom to do so. This shift is part of why infidelity continues to cause such deep pain and trauma.

For centuries, marriage as a well established institution was shaped by social-economic and religious factors. Until recently, it wasn't primarily about love; and it was not in the first place about love, rather, its role was a give social-economical structure.

Marriages served as a religious, social, and economic purpose—to assure men that their children will be their own—and a social and economic function—to ensure women's fidelity—rather than to emphasize whether or not their partners are in love with them—in exchange for this security and status that both people benefit from.

Monogamous marriage has been reinforced for both economic and cultural reasons. To understand infidelity in a historical context, we can look at how the women's movement re-framed sexual freedom, highlighting that infidelity it is not inherently about breaking trust.

Infidelity as a response to women's historical lack of sexual autonomy.

Historically, women were often seen as their husband's property, and this notion was reflected in laws that denied women autonomy over their bodies, especially within marriage in most western countries until 1970.
Marital rape was not considered a crime in many countries because a husband's right to sexual relations with his wife was viewed as inherent to marriage.

The feminist movement of the 1960s and 1970s pushed for legal reforms that secured women's reproductive rights, autonomy over their bodies, and equality in marriage.*7

"Within the past 40 years, marriage has changed more than in the last 5,000."-Stephanie Coontz

If women's sexual autonomy was restricted in recent times, infidelity could be interpreted as a way for them to reclaim control over their bodies and desires.

It could be a response to centuries of societal norms that have denied them agency.

The pursuit of sexual freedom, the ability to make decisions about one's body, and the desire for authentic relationships may sometimes manifest as acts of rebellion against oppressive structures—whether legal, social, or personal.

In this context, women's infidelity can be viewed not only as a breach of trust, but also as a response to their historical lack of sexual autonomy, a reclaiming of their right to control their own desires and body decisions.

In many traditions, religion has upheld the sanctity of marriage while condemning infidelity, establishing moral frameworks that continue to shape our perceptions of loyalty and betrayal.

Modern consumerism, unlike any other era, pushes us to seek out the latest, hottest, and most desirable, leaving us feeling inadequate or dissatisfied—even as we attempt to remain confident in our relationships.

This consumerism extends beyond goods and objects; it also applies to relationships. We consume and discard relationships faster than ever, yet societal expectations, particularly from families and our social norms, still prioritize the formation of monogamous relationships within marriages.

Understanding the complexities of today's relationships will shape our future as a species, as the desires for connection, fulfillment, and societal expectations often collide.

“Monogamous marriage in a promiscuous society”

“Yet sexual boundaries are one of the few areas where therapists seem to mirror the dominant culture. Monogamy is the norm, and sexual fidelity is considered to be mature, committed and realistic.
Nonmonogamy evens consensual nonmonogamy, is suspect. It points to a lack of commitments and fear of intimacy. It undermines the couple.
Yet we live in a world that offers us little help with staying put or making do.

In our consumer culture, we always want the next best thing: the latest, the newest, the youngest. Failing that, we at least want more: more intensity, more variety, more stimulation.
We seek instant gratification and are increasingly intolerant to any frustration.
Nowhere we are encouraged to be satisfied with what we have, to think:
”This is good, this is enough”.
Sex is part and parcel of this economy- some people might say that sex propels it. That dress, that car, those shoes, this lotion, a new tattoo, buns of steel, all carry the promise of a more sexually fulfilled life.

We are convinced that sexual gratification and personal happiness go hand in hand. Earthly delights are everywhere, a veritable banquet, and we feel entitled to join the feast.

No wonder people often feel restless in marriage. The fantasy of infinite variety is thwarted by commitment.
This is not a justification of infidelity, or an endorsement.
What’s different today is not the desires themselves but the fact that we are obligated to pursue them-at least until we tie the knot, when we’re suddenly expected to renounce all we’ve been encourage to want.

Monogamy stands alone.”*1

Illustration by ©Struvictory Art. Image Licensed by the Author

Emotions and infidelity

Understanding and consciousness must come first, because when they are lost, the psyche and emotions take over. This means we may act impulsively, living only in the "moment."

We’ve all heard Emily’s Dickinson famous quote: "The heart wants what it wants — or else it does not care." In matters of love, we sometimes act beyond our control.

Our Ego (social persona) can masked our ability to cope with reality, but when it comes to deep emotions and desires, we do not allow ourselves to talk about our them openly due to various wounds or limitations.

Our “emotional needs” as children versus as adults.

“The toddler's brain is active in adulthood when we misinterpret feelings in relationships and confuse wanting, preferring, and desiring with need.

There is no question that young children have emotional needs in the development of a stable and cohesive sense of self and need help from adults to so do.

It’s also true that toddlers cannot distinguish wanting something from needing it, which is why they can become hurt or tantrum-prone when we say “no” to something they want but obviously do not need, like a toy or a treat.

At the moment they want it, it feels like they need it; the stronger the feeling, the stronger the feeling gets.

It’s how we create a false sense that a lover (parent-figure) must mirror and validate our feelings or else we can't maintain a cohesive sense of self.

There’s a biological explanation of why adults, with a powerful prefrontal cortex, continue to conflate wanting, preferring, and desiring with need.

The perception of need begins with a rise in emotional intensity. As the intensity increases, it can feel like you need to do or have something: It’s the same emotional process as biological need. When emotion suddenly rises, your brain confuses preferences with biological needs.
In other words, the perception of need becomes self-reinforcing:

“I feel it; therefore, I need it, and if I need it, I have to feel it more intensely.”

An enriched life comes from the ability to self-regulate, which enables us to see many perspectives in addition to our own without falling prey to the entitlement, manipulation, and coercion that accompany the perception of emotional needs.*1

The regressive behaviors that leads to cheating.

When people experience stress, anxiety, or conflict, they may resort to behaviors that are more typical of an earlier developmental stage, a defense mechanism known as ‘regression’ in psychology.

Concealing one's emotions can ignite the passion and desire, driven by the fear of exposure.

The thrill of keeping a secret can provide a sense of power, as if to say, "I have something you don't." -“I am special.”

Infidelity is a form of self-betrayal. It involves hiding from both yourself and others.

Self-betrayal happens when the unconscious needs takes over the ego (adult mind) rather than supporting it.

Hiding indicates a deeper issue within the relationship you are betraying.
When you cheat, you are hiding a part of yourself; it reflects a tendency to conceal something from yourself. You do not want to expose yourself fully to others.

This hiding adds to the sense of lifelessness, indicating a lack of strong emotions in the primary relationship (with the partner) and a refusal to take emotional risks.

"Psychological maturity refers to the ability to fully enjoy each other, to give and take, to love and to be loved, to make each other happy and to create something new together."-Erich Fromm

The mismatch between internal projection and external reality

Infidelity may also point to an inner conflict, as our internal world is shaped by desires, fears, and emotional confusion that clash with external reality.

We project our unmet desires, fantasies, and idealizations onto others in the hope that they will fulfill aspects of ourselves that we are unable to accept or confront.

When we project an idealistic image of our partner, we fail to see them for who they truly are. Instead, we see them through the filter of our own desires and internal stories.

We may romanticize them early in a relationship, seeing them as a representation of everything we desire —love, security, and validation.

I wrote about this here: “Our fixation with Romantic Relationships, finding the "ONE" explained.”

When the real person in front of us does not match the perfect image we've created in our minds, we may become disappointed or feel betrayed over time, despite the fact that it is frequently our projection, not the person, that has failed.

This projection can also go in the opposite direction.
We externalize our issues, believing we cheat because it’s the other person's "fault."

When someone cheats, they may transfer their own feelings of inadequacy, emptiness, or restlessness into the relationship. Rather than confronting their internal struggles—whether they are caused by a fear of intimacy, unmet personal goals, or unresolved childhood wounds—they externalize the issue, believing that infidelity or seeking connection elsewhere will provide the fulfilment they lack.

The mismatch between internal projection and external reality creates a cycle of dissatisfaction.

We refuse to acknowledge that our partner is a unique individual with their own flaws, limitations, and desires.

Instead, we continue to chase an illusion, convinced that the next affair or emotional escape will provide the satisfaction we seek.

Illustration by ©Struvictory Art. Image Licensed by the Author

Infidelity and avoidance.

We often refuse to acknowledge that the source of our unmet desire to cheat, is an internal response that creates our immediate reality.

Infidelity can be a symptom of avoiding difficult personal work, which includes accepting our own and our partners' “flaws” and confronting our personal history that drives us to seek fulfilment in relationships or situation in which “we have to hide”.

Without confronting this internal reality, we become trapped in a cycle of projection, unable to see the people around us for who they truly are and unable to connect and create true intimacy.

One way to look at infidelity is to give language to what you are experience.

“Despite what some would have you believe, not all affairs are alike; therefore, the approach to healing will differ between each of these six categories.

The following categories are simple descriptions and are not intended to explain the motivations of the betrayal, the consequences, or the path of recovery. They are also not intended to serve as a judgment on the betrayer or the betrayed. Instead, they are intended to offer hope to both parties as you begin your journey of recovery. “

Types of Affairs:
Category 1: One Night Stand
Category 2: Fallen in Love
Category 3: Sexual Addiction
Category 4: Wanting the Marriage and the Affair
Category 5: Emotional Affair
Category 6: Love Addiction

A relationship is a becoming rather than a given.

"If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable."
Seneca –

When people rely on their emotions for guidance, they may have a hard time handling the challenges in relationships.

Carl Jung observed that as we grow, our authentic personalities are shaped by interactions with our social environments, which reward or punish us based on our conformity to societal norms. *4

When confronted with the challenge of communicating their actual adult desires, some people often regress to a state of pleasure in hiding.

Similar to a teenager trying to hide from their parents, the regressive side of betrayal is bound to make a mess of things and complicate adult life even further.
You desire what you want, but you refuse to accept responsibility for it.*6

However, in an ideal world, a responsible adult would approach these situations with introspection and compassion. A more direct approach would be to speak frankly about the excitement one feels when venturing into new territory, whether that's in a relationship or not.

They would think about what they want to explore and talk to their partner about it instead of giving in to impulse buys.
Prior of lying to get what they want an adult would think about what's truly amiss with the relationship and try to address it, so that they can be closer, which would lead to better relationships overall.

It takes a lot of courage to lead the life you desire; it takes time to feel your emotions and sort them, give space and language to them, communicate and set boundaries around them.

That is why I am not confident we are not yet ready as a society to make different living and romantic arrangements, because we still lack (the laws and social awareness) the ability to be fully present in our choices collectively. Individually we have made great progress.

Illustration by ©Struvictory Art. Image Licensed by the Author

The shadow of the Third. A new “way of looking at maturity: not as passionless love, but as love that knows of other passions not chosen.”

We do not own our partner’s sexuality, nor do we own our partner; we can only choose them. Accepting that each of us has our own internal world, fantasies, and desires can open up a different dialogue.

If hiding complicates relationships, the antidote should be open communication or, at the very least, acknowledging the “third.”

Mature adult love is, by definition, not fusional. It may be healing, fulfilling, and transformative, but it is not meant to be fusional. We do not experience “unconditional” love with our partner. If we seek a sense of “oneness,” this needs a trace back to the womb and our primary relationships with the one person that can give us “unconditional" love: our mother.

As adults, we validate one another’s freedom within relationships, based on terms that we agree upon and discuss openly.

”When we validate one another’s freedom within the relationship, we are less inclined to search for it elsewhere.

In this sense, inviting the third goes some way towards containing its volatility, not to mention its appeal. It is no longer a shadow but a presence something to talk about openly, joke about, play with.

When we can tell the truth safely, we are less inclined to keep secrets.
Rather then inhibiting a couple’s sexuality, recognizing the third has the tendency to add spice, not least because it reminds us that we do not own our partners.

We should not take them for granted. In uncertainty lies the seed of wanting. In addition, when we establish psychological distance, we, too, can peek at our partner with the admiring eyes of a stranger, noticing once again what habit has prevented us from seeing.

Finally, renouncing others reaffirms our choice.

He is the one I want. We admit our roving desires, yet push them back. We flirt with them, all the while keeping the at a safe distance. Perhaps this is another way of looking at maturity: not as passionless love, but as love that knows of other passions not chosen.”*1

“Love never dies of natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source.”- Anaïs Nin

Illustration by ©Struvictory Art. Image Licensed by the Author

Envy and Jealousy

Envy-"invidia," meaning "envy, jealousy, or spite," which comes from "invidere," meaning "to look at with malice" (from "in-" meaning "not" + "videre," meaning "to see").

Jealousy-Zelus: This root means "zeal" or "jealousy." It signifies a strong feeling of passion or eagerness, particularly in regard to wanting to protect something valued, which can lead to feelings of jealousy. *5

“Many people say ‘jealous’ when what they mean is ‘envious’. Envy and jealousy are subtly different constructs. If envy is the personal pain caused by the desire for the advantages of others, jealousy is the personal pain caused by the fear of losing one’s advantages to others, or sharing one’s advantages with others. In short, envy is covetous, jealousy is possessive.”- Neel Burton

Envy is a feeling of discontent or resentment aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.
Jealousy is an emotion characterized by fear of losing something (like a relationship) to someone else, often involving insecurity.

Envy often takes root in our earliest relationships, particularly as we begin to separate from the mother or primary caregiver. During this stage, children develop their sense of self and identities by comparing themselves to peers, siblings, or other caregiver figures.
As children, we lack the ability to form a self-concept based on our own experiences and instead rely on our caregivers to provide us with love, safety, and admiration. When this transition is difficult—due to neglect or because the caregiver is unable to provide the kind of attention a child needs—this separation can become the foundation of deep insecurity and comparison. If left unaddressed, these feelings can persist into adulthood.

“Envy is usually directed towards those with whom we compare ourselves, those with whom we feel we are in competition. As Russell wrote: ‘Beggars do not envy millionaires, though of course they will envy other beggars who are more successful.’ Envy has never been greater than it is today.

Our age of equality encourages us to compare ourself to one and all, and social media make this only too easy, fanning the flames of our envy.

By emphasizing the material and tangible over the spiritual and invisible, the twin pillars of consumerism and empiricism have undermined the one countervailing force capable of containing the blaze.

The pain of envy arises not from the desire for the advantages of others so much as the feeling of inferiority occasioned by their lack in ourself. Ironically, the energy expended in envy, and in not arousing it in others, holds us back from realizing our full potential.”*8

Envy is defined as a lack of control over someone or something, which is why it is an emotion that is causing a lot of suffering.

Neglected children may develop narcissistic characteristics as a coping mechanism, which complicates their ability to recognize envy as adults.

Furthermore, envy is trans-generational, if parents have unresolved inner conflicts and feelings of envy, they may struggle to look inward. This can lead them to become overly focused on social status and external validation, often living through their children and repeating the cycle of seeking external validation.

The curated reality we live in today does not promote inclusiveness; instead, it encourages selective sharing of only the best aspects of ones life, which in turn fosters envy rather than create closure or gratitude.

This is why it is essential for us as individuals to go inward, to create internal abundance and sufficiency, and establish boundaries around what we let ourselves be exposed to.

This era among other things will also be shaped by our ability to curate reality and our capacity to look inward.

Gratitude is an powerful antidote to envy. Concentrating on what you don’t have will never bring you more, you will never have enough.

Creating small communities, forming a few meaningful connections, and seeking support will help you nurture aspects of yourself that previously received insufficient attention and love.

The difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is destructive, while jealousy is —a life force motivation, an indicator of desire, and an aspiration.

Jealousy can be viewed as either shadow or light; I prefer to see it as a sign—an unmistakable indicator of our deep wishes. It helps us identify our wants and aspirations, inviting us to illuminate the areas of our lives where we feel unexplored.

Romantic jealousy.

“Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat--real or imagined--to a valued relationship or to its quality. It is important to differentiate "normal" from "delusional" jealousy. Normal jealousy has its basis in a real threat to the relationship; delusional jealousy persists despite the absence of any real or even probable threat.
We develop this image very early in life, based on powerful experiences we had during childhood. Our parents and other adults involved in raising us influence the development of our romantic image in two ways: the way they express, or don't express, love toward us; and the way they express, or don't express, love toward each other.

Most of us have some unresolved conflicts we carry from our childhood.
We experience these conflicts as vulnerabilities, insecurities, or fears.

When we fall in love and our love is reciprocated, these vulnerabilities, fears, and insecurities seem to vanish.
We are loved despite our imperfections. We feel whole; we feel safe. But when this love is threatened, the fears and insecurities that we thought had gone forever come back in full force.

We no longer feel secure even in those things we previously loved in ourselves. As glowing as the love was, so dark is the shadow of its possible loss.

As we move with awareness into the core of our jealousy, we discover ungrounded expectations, projections, envy, loss of self-esteem, infantile fears and insecurities. These are not "nice" discoveries. In fact, they may be so unpleasant that some people will try hard to avoid them.”*3

Whatever draws two lovers together will determine the nature of their jealousy. If we strengthen our communication and negotiation capabilities, we will experience varying levels of jealousy.

When we feel safe, we are more likely to trust our partner's decisions that do not involve us, allowing us to make our own choices. However, I believe that the sacred nature of a relationship lies in keeping the other's best interests at heart while co-creating realities.

Erich Fromm – "The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity."

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The final newsletter in this series will be sent in the coming weeks, and it will include a wealth of resources for you to explore further—whether through reading, watching, or listening. I still have so much on my mind and feel that I’ve barely scratched the surface of these topics. But what I’ve realized while writing is that you can never cover everything, not even in books or audio. Life always leaves space for more, and this is a great metaphor for understanding that nothing is fixed. Everything has nuances, shades, and layers of meaning.

Things make sense to us in the way we allow them to, so clear your lens, let the light in, see things as they truly are, and keep your own magic perspective as you view the world. I’m writing this for myself too—everything I do is an attempt to place myself in new spaces, to experience life, love, and art in fresh ways. I’ve come to feel that the world needs every gift we have to offer.

Stay close!
Love,
Katerina

Resources:

Books:
*1- “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” Esther Perel

*4- "Man and His Symbols" Carl Jung

Other resources:

*2- The Curse of “Emotional Needs” The person who “needs” may also manipulate, control, or abuse.

*3- Romantic Jealousy. How to recognize where jealousy comes from and how to cope with it.

*5- APA Dictionary of Psychology

*6- Episode 29 – Envy and Jealousy: Hobgoblins in Relationships

*7- Women's Strike for Equality

*8- The Psychology and Philosophy of Envy

1.