Another big chapter in this very complex series. The topics you are touching upon here alone could fill a library. As Jamie says, not easy themes to write about. Especially in the current explosive climate of birthing new species of genders and relationships.
The topic that stood out for me most is the passage on 'infidelity'. I am wondering whether, why, and how infidelity will still be an issue in a culture where gender and relationships are so fluid.
I'm coming from a culture (not by birth but by experience from early childhood onwards) where infidelity has been weaponised. On one hand it's totally ok, tolerated, and even expected (for men), on the other it's treated as the biggest crime, a deadly sin, an aberration that brings shame on the family and therefore punishable by death sentence (for women).
In my mind, infidelity is a religious construct planted into human hearts to make them believe they are 'sinners' when they even think of following their own hearts. I've seen children using this as a weapon to manipulate and control their friends (unrelated to sexual relationships). The concept breeds envy and jealousy, as you say. But both of these emotional currents are ultimately fed by a lack of sense of self.
When I am confident in myself, when I know who I am, secure in what I, my work, and my relationships are about, none of this would arise.
If on the other hand I have an agreement with someone, and they break the agreement, it's breach of trust and contract. That's disloyalty, betrayal.
The word infidelity highlights the concept that sexual relationships are often treated as separate from the relationship in general. This is puzzling to me.
A quote by Shya Kane springs to mind: "If you cannot be yourself in a relationship, you no longer have one."
"Infidelity" happens (usually) in situations when the relationship is already broken, or non-existent. Infidelity is literally 'lack of faith'. Perhaps the person who is "infidel" has lost faith in the existing relationship?
Veronika, I have to say, your comments always offer such valuable insights! You could seriously become a professional commenter—if that were a job! :) The way you explain things makes so much sense, and it feels so natural, yet we often fail to see what’s right in front of us. The emergence of new gender identities and relationship models, unfortunately, doesn’t solve the deeper "problems" of personal insecurities, lack of love, or unmet needs for safety. I agree with you about why we continue to experience these issues, despite the freedom, choice, and acceptance we seem to have—perhaps it’s just an illusion, or maybe we’re still in the early stages of this societal shift, living through history in the making.
Yes, infidelity has been weaponized, and there’s still this societal expectation that it's more "normal" for men to cheat than for women, even from a biological standpoint that has become a social construct.
Men are seen as "needing" sex, or they’ll get "sick" or look elsewhere, while women "desire" sex and are expected to "hold it in", as if it's not a necessity for them. Society tends to accept or punish behavior based on what’s collectively deemed acceptable and convenient.
Yes, the death sentence for infidelity has been a harsh reality, and when we look back, it's clear how much oppression has surrounded women’s sexuality and freedom. I still struggle to wrap my mind around it, especially since I’ve been reading more about the history of gender. Sometimes I wonder how we’re still here, having not evolved into something entirely different, given how parts of our identity have been suppressed or "cut away" for so long. It’s a historical truth that still affects us.
That quote is amazing: "If you cannot be yourself in a relationship, you no longer have one." So simple, yet so powerful.
And your point about infidelity being treated as separate from the relationship itself is spot on—it puzzles me too. I love that perspective and will definitely include it in the article because it’s just too good! Thank you for sharing. "Infidelity" often happens when the relationship is already fractured or non-existent. The word itself—'lack of faith'—seems to reflect that the person being unfaithful may have already lost faith in the relationship. Perhaps the "infidel" never got to experience faith, never seen it, or felt it.
Thank you again, Veronika! I appreciate your wise presence here, and I’m grateful for your support!
You are welcome, Katerina. Thank you for presenting important topics to think about (and to get me thinking about them) Inspired by you, I just read some surveys and statistics related to infidelity. What do you make of this one:
Less than 3% of American adults believe it is not wrong to engage in extramarital sex.
and simultaneously:
Around 30% to 40% of Americans cheat on their partners.
The only conclusion we can draw from these numbers is that:
around 27 to 37% are unfaithful towards themselves... which I believe may well be the crux of the whole matter.
I totally agree. Many 'infidels' (and even fidels) have probably never experienced true faith ~ or faith in themselves.
And thanks for the new job description. I love it! I think constructive and thoughtful comments are rare and very much needed. Gaps in a pop up market abound... 😉
I imagine the reality beyond the controlled statistics.Those statistics are interesting and your conclusion is spot on—it really highlights how much of this problem roots from a lack of trust with oneself. That disconnect from our own values or desires is likely one of the reasons why so many people act contrary to what they consciously believe to be right.
As you well pointed out: "When I am confident in myself, when I know who I am, secure in what I, my work, and my relationships are about, none of this would arise."
And I’m glad you like your new job description:))! Thoughtful comments like yours truly are rare gems, and I always look forward to reading them. 😊
Wow Katerina! There is so much here. I will need to read it more than the three times I already have.
Relation-ships. Riding waves. Feelings, intensity, desires, wrapped up in our own unique flaws and limitations. Chasing illusions, connection and intimacy. Hiding. Jealousy. Tolerating insecurity. Creating. Together. A heArt. These are not easy themes to write of.
Thank you for the vulnerability to write for yourself and for giving us a gift of reflection. Am Learning and Growing with you. I look forward to the last chapter here and the next series.
Jamie, your feedback is so appreciated, and the time you take to read my words makes me feel both honored and seen—thank you. 🙏❤️
Your choice of words beautifully captures the essence of the post.
Relationships are truly containers for so many nuances of intensity, flaws, and growth, and I’m grateful we can reflect on them together and exchange ideas.
A gift of reflection needs a reflector, so thank you for reflecting back...
I’m happy you're finding meaning in this process, too. So you know, I’m saving the sweetest part for the end of this series, before we continue the exploration in the next one. It will include some poetry, and I'll be discussing our need to belong in a way I think you’ll enjoy.
Your warmth, energy, and kind words bring so much joy to this space—thank you for that, it means a lot!
Heavy topic for me. When I was a child I saw the two adult figures in my life committing and suffering the repercussions of indifidelity. I still carry some of that baggage with me to this day. It's been long road of recognizing what is mine to hold, what is messing with my relationships today, what do I recognize as a part of my values as a human being regarding monogamy and realtionships and what was their relationship which felt like being trampled as little kid on one of it's chapters.
Thank you for your writing Katerina. It's valuable and important.
It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's great that you've taken the time to consider what aspects of that experience are still influencing you today. Being a child and witnessing that is a heavy burden.
Now, I've realised that people who remain committed but do not work on their relationship can cause problems for their children; endurance is not a virtue, and faithfulness alone will not be enough.
Holding what is yours and releasing generational wounds, I believe (for me it was), is a vital phase in healing, integrating, and moving forward. I appreciate your openness, and I hope you can gain more clarity and peace as you explore your relationships and values.
I am grateful you acknowledge my writing—thank you! It means a lot to me that you are saying that is valuable and important.🙌
I think I might reach out and make a friendly suggestion to our beautiful Substack management folks, and ask if it’s possible to add an edit option for reply’s, that would make me a happy camper.
Lady Geraldine, your comments are like a breath of fresh air—they make me smile and send me great fun vibes, perfectly in tune with my spontaneous side. Thank you for the playfulness you bring and for your ongoing support; you are truly a lovely presence!
Another big chapter in this very complex series. The topics you are touching upon here alone could fill a library. As Jamie says, not easy themes to write about. Especially in the current explosive climate of birthing new species of genders and relationships.
The topic that stood out for me most is the passage on 'infidelity'. I am wondering whether, why, and how infidelity will still be an issue in a culture where gender and relationships are so fluid.
I'm coming from a culture (not by birth but by experience from early childhood onwards) where infidelity has been weaponised. On one hand it's totally ok, tolerated, and even expected (for men), on the other it's treated as the biggest crime, a deadly sin, an aberration that brings shame on the family and therefore punishable by death sentence (for women).
In my mind, infidelity is a religious construct planted into human hearts to make them believe they are 'sinners' when they even think of following their own hearts. I've seen children using this as a weapon to manipulate and control their friends (unrelated to sexual relationships). The concept breeds envy and jealousy, as you say. But both of these emotional currents are ultimately fed by a lack of sense of self.
When I am confident in myself, when I know who I am, secure in what I, my work, and my relationships are about, none of this would arise.
If on the other hand I have an agreement with someone, and they break the agreement, it's breach of trust and contract. That's disloyalty, betrayal.
The word infidelity highlights the concept that sexual relationships are often treated as separate from the relationship in general. This is puzzling to me.
A quote by Shya Kane springs to mind: "If you cannot be yourself in a relationship, you no longer have one."
"Infidelity" happens (usually) in situations when the relationship is already broken, or non-existent. Infidelity is literally 'lack of faith'. Perhaps the person who is "infidel" has lost faith in the existing relationship?
Veronika, I have to say, your comments always offer such valuable insights! You could seriously become a professional commenter—if that were a job! :) The way you explain things makes so much sense, and it feels so natural, yet we often fail to see what’s right in front of us. The emergence of new gender identities and relationship models, unfortunately, doesn’t solve the deeper "problems" of personal insecurities, lack of love, or unmet needs for safety. I agree with you about why we continue to experience these issues, despite the freedom, choice, and acceptance we seem to have—perhaps it’s just an illusion, or maybe we’re still in the early stages of this societal shift, living through history in the making.
Yes, infidelity has been weaponized, and there’s still this societal expectation that it's more "normal" for men to cheat than for women, even from a biological standpoint that has become a social construct.
Men are seen as "needing" sex, or they’ll get "sick" or look elsewhere, while women "desire" sex and are expected to "hold it in", as if it's not a necessity for them. Society tends to accept or punish behavior based on what’s collectively deemed acceptable and convenient.
Yes, the death sentence for infidelity has been a harsh reality, and when we look back, it's clear how much oppression has surrounded women’s sexuality and freedom. I still struggle to wrap my mind around it, especially since I’ve been reading more about the history of gender. Sometimes I wonder how we’re still here, having not evolved into something entirely different, given how parts of our identity have been suppressed or "cut away" for so long. It’s a historical truth that still affects us.
That quote is amazing: "If you cannot be yourself in a relationship, you no longer have one." So simple, yet so powerful.
And your point about infidelity being treated as separate from the relationship itself is spot on—it puzzles me too. I love that perspective and will definitely include it in the article because it’s just too good! Thank you for sharing. "Infidelity" often happens when the relationship is already fractured or non-existent. The word itself—'lack of faith'—seems to reflect that the person being unfaithful may have already lost faith in the relationship. Perhaps the "infidel" never got to experience faith, never seen it, or felt it.
Thank you again, Veronika! I appreciate your wise presence here, and I’m grateful for your support!
You are welcome, Katerina. Thank you for presenting important topics to think about (and to get me thinking about them) Inspired by you, I just read some surveys and statistics related to infidelity. What do you make of this one:
Less than 3% of American adults believe it is not wrong to engage in extramarital sex.
and simultaneously:
Around 30% to 40% of Americans cheat on their partners.
The only conclusion we can draw from these numbers is that:
around 27 to 37% are unfaithful towards themselves... which I believe may well be the crux of the whole matter.
I totally agree. Many 'infidels' (and even fidels) have probably never experienced true faith ~ or faith in themselves.
And thanks for the new job description. I love it! I think constructive and thoughtful comments are rare and very much needed. Gaps in a pop up market abound... 😉
Oh, thanks Veronika!
I imagine the reality beyond the controlled statistics.Those statistics are interesting and your conclusion is spot on—it really highlights how much of this problem roots from a lack of trust with oneself. That disconnect from our own values or desires is likely one of the reasons why so many people act contrary to what they consciously believe to be right.
As you well pointed out: "When I am confident in myself, when I know who I am, secure in what I, my work, and my relationships are about, none of this would arise."
And I’m glad you like your new job description:))! Thoughtful comments like yours truly are rare gems, and I always look forward to reading them. 😊
Oh WoW Veronica!!!
More soon
I need to digest all this
Yumminess
Wow!!!
Wow Katerina! There is so much here. I will need to read it more than the three times I already have.
Relation-ships. Riding waves. Feelings, intensity, desires, wrapped up in our own unique flaws and limitations. Chasing illusions, connection and intimacy. Hiding. Jealousy. Tolerating insecurity. Creating. Together. A heArt. These are not easy themes to write of.
Thank you for the vulnerability to write for yourself and for giving us a gift of reflection. Am Learning and Growing with you. I look forward to the last chapter here and the next series.
🙏❤️
Jamie, your feedback is so appreciated, and the time you take to read my words makes me feel both honored and seen—thank you. 🙏❤️
Your choice of words beautifully captures the essence of the post.
Relationships are truly containers for so many nuances of intensity, flaws, and growth, and I’m grateful we can reflect on them together and exchange ideas.
A gift of reflection needs a reflector, so thank you for reflecting back...
I’m happy you're finding meaning in this process, too. So you know, I’m saving the sweetest part for the end of this series, before we continue the exploration in the next one. It will include some poetry, and I'll be discussing our need to belong in a way I think you’ll enjoy.
Your warmth, energy, and kind words bring so much joy to this space—thank you for that, it means a lot!
WOWSER Jamie!!!
This is a special Saturday night!!!
Heavy topic for me. When I was a child I saw the two adult figures in my life committing and suffering the repercussions of indifidelity. I still carry some of that baggage with me to this day. It's been long road of recognizing what is mine to hold, what is messing with my relationships today, what do I recognize as a part of my values as a human being regarding monogamy and realtionships and what was their relationship which felt like being trampled as little kid on one of it's chapters.
Thank you for your writing Katerina. It's valuable and important.
Thank you for sharing, Rubén!
It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's great that you've taken the time to consider what aspects of that experience are still influencing you today. Being a child and witnessing that is a heavy burden.
Now, I've realised that people who remain committed but do not work on their relationship can cause problems for their children; endurance is not a virtue, and faithfulness alone will not be enough.
Holding what is yours and releasing generational wounds, I believe (for me it was), is a vital phase in healing, integrating, and moving forward. I appreciate your openness, and I hope you can gain more clarity and peace as you explore your relationships and values.
I am grateful you acknowledge my writing—thank you! It means a lot to me that you are saying that is valuable and important.🙌
Burnt Senna
Shades of Burnt Senna
I love that color
EDIT: and project deep emotions.
I think I might reach out and make a friendly suggestion to our beautiful Substack management folks, and ask if it’s possible to add an edit option for reply’s, that would make me a happy camper.
Again I must say, the art pieces are stunning and project carry deep emotions, quickly relatable, the color, and the orange is impactful.
I adoooore Orange! Thank you for noticing the illustrations—it definitely plays a role in all of my posts!
And consult corporations, and maybe even governments, giggle giggle (I’m silly tonight) these executives need to hear what you have to say! Period.
:)) I sure hope so! Thank you for acknowledging my writing and ideas!
Methinks Lady Katerina you could take this on tour around the globe and film the whole adventure! Just saying. Fondly, Geraldine
Lady Geraldine, your comments are like a breath of fresh air—they make me smile and send me great fun vibes, perfectly in tune with my spontaneous side. Thank you for the playfulness you bring and for your ongoing support; you are truly a lovely presence!