Part II: Polyamory, Monogamy and other types of bonds explained: The Interconnection Between Trauma and Attachment. The path of self-individuation. Denial. Neuroplasticity, and Pattern Recognition.

To some extent, we have positive experiences as adults, yet because the gravitational field of the positive experiences is so small, these new positive memories either fade away or become unreachable

Jul 12, 2024

Table of contents:
The aim of this six-part newsletter is to provide a thorough understanding of how we relate to ourselves first, how our self-concept influences and favors outcomes according to how we expect others to value our presence, how relationships form, and why, regardless of our attachment style, even if it is secure, we must learn to develop the skills and abilities to acknowledge, negotiate, and request from those around us, as well as understand how reciprocity and giving back are essential in all relationships.

Part I: Read here.
Our biology, why we pair bond, the neurochemistry, and hormone systems
What is an attachment style
What is Polyamory/Monogamy
Monogamy, non-monogamy, polyamory, and other types of bonds

Part II
Healing the Attachment Style.
The Path of Individuation
Denial as a Defense Mechanism
Understanding How Trauma Works
How to resolve trauma (and why)
Grief
Part III: read here
Sadness/Tears
Self-verification theory/ self-concept/ self-esteem
Boundaries: Healthy, porous, and rigid
Compatibility and incompatibility
Differences and sameness importance
Symbiosis and Autonomy

Part IV: Read here
Object Relations Theory:
The splitting of the ego/ the “bad” object, and the “good” object in our mind—why do we stay in dysfunctional relationships
The Self's Growth: Accepting the Good and the Bad
Carl Rogers: Actual Self, Ideal Self, and Self Actualization

Part V: Read here
Infidelity and betrayal
Inviting and unpacking the shadow of the third
Jealousy and envy

Part VI ( last part newsletter)
Shame and guilt
The universal need to belong
Individuation
Conclusions

*References

After discussing the reasons for pair bonding, the formation of attachment styles, and the characteristics of polyamory and monogamy arrangements, I'll move on to the relationship between attachment and trauma, the importance of self-actualization in our current adult lives, and strategies for identifying, overcoming, and cultivating growth from difficult experiences. I'll go over various methods for healing trauma, as well as how our ‘survival’ or ‘traumatized’ parts can react to new ways of living.

The purpose of this five-part newsletter is to provide a thorough understanding of how relationships form and why, regardless of our attachment style, even if it is secure, we must develop the skills and abilities to acknowledge, negotiate, and request from those around us, as well as understand how reciprocity and giving back are essential in all relationships.

Pattern recognition as any new neural pathway forming is a demanding and difficult process that requires a lot of mental and emotional energy.

When we want to change the dynamics of our relationships or other aspects of our lives, we first change how we react and then improve that reaction to achieve different, better results.

Once we know what we want to change, we can take charge of our emotions by learning to articulate them, improve our communication skills by identifying and fixing communication breakdowns, and overcome difficulties by through acquiring the capacity to discern positive from negative experiences.

Pattern recognition, like any new neuronal path formation, is a demanding and difficult process that requires a great deal of mental and emotional effort.

While people used to believe that the brain became fixed after a certain age, newer research has revealed that the brain never stops changing in response to learning.

Using the ability to verbalize to those around you that you are going through something and will not be as available as before can help you set out on the path of self-awareness and rewrite, learn, and unlearn.

Self-directed neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural pathways throughout life and in response to experiences.

While the brain usually does this itself in response to injury or disease, when humans focus their attention enough, they can slowly rewire these pathways themselves.
The habit loops are broken by reshaping thinking using mindfulness.
Mindfulness refers to focusing attention in a sustained, deliberate way, of looking at the present from a non-judgmental perspective. The goal of mindfulness is to become aware of thoughts, as simply thoughts.

Not all unwelcomed or unhelpful thoughts need to be acted on.
Once an individual understands that these thoughts are not beneficial for them, they can start to redirect their actions – or the reactions to the thought.
The redirection of thoughts and actions will start to change neural pathways as habits begin to be replaced, and new parts of the brain are used. The brain literally starts to rewire itself with a simple change of mindset.*1

I wish someone had warned me about how mentally and physically draining this process of self-actualization and healing would be.

It is possible to regress*6 before moving forward, or to simply remain numb when you take away patterns and have not yet learned to build new healthy ones.

Sometimes you'll feel great and amazing, and sometimes you'll feel awful, regretful, stuck, and ashamed of yourself, and that is normal.

The path to accessing parts of yourself is not linear.

As you unblock hidden parts of yourself, such as abandonment, fear, anxiety, traumas, and other forgotten experiences, you will also uncover the positive side of what was previously hidden, release energy, and gain incredible momentum as you start to heal and understand your own pace, brain, and connect with your body.

You are as unique as every living thing on this planet.

Adults around you will figure out how to deal with your need for space, even though you may feel guilty about wanting some alone time to figure things out—this is particularly true for those who have experienced codependency.

Self-individuation, Attachments style and trauma (dissociation and/or splitting),

If you have not yet read about attachment styles, you can do so in a new tab and then return to this page.

To put it simply, trauma is a psychological and emotional reaction to traumatic experiences that exceed a person's capacity for coping. It is essentially a journey of resilience, coping, and the progressive restoration of well-being.

It is important to realize that trauma is defined by how events affect you, not just by what happens to you.

Diverse responses result from the same event in different ways. Some people manage it better, some are deeply impacted, and some may never fully recover.

Trauma has long-term effects on the body and psyche that can endure generations. You could be the first person in your family to work on breaking the pattern and cycles of repetitive behavior that not only no longer serves your actual life, although is not yours to carry as well.

This is the kind of work that will shape your life and the lives of those who come after you. It's not just about what you do; it's also about the impact you have on the collective and the impact your work has on people beyond your immediate sphere of influence.

The Path of Individuation

This could be difficult work; it will feel like you are stopping a speeding train and redirecting all of the voices who want things to continue as they have always been done.

Although it may feel like you're swimming against the current, you'll learn to flow and realize that your path is in your capable hands.

Most people resist change, and even when change occurs, they want to control the outcome. We crave control, which is understandable because trusting life can be difficult, especially when you don't trust yourself, but trusting that everything will work out is also human.
As

Jamie Millard

once said in my notes, "Hope feels like a prayer of asking. Faith is more like the blessing of acceptance."
As humans, we can receive the blessing of acceptance.

This may feel like being isolated while healing.
However, starting this work purposefully is a sign of a mature love for life and oneself; it expands our options and capacities; naming our emotions gives us clarity, the power to choose, create and access self-individuation.

The source of our power, sexuality, desired freedom and joy is concealed in the metabolic, mental, and psychological costs we pay when achieving genuine autonomy and accepting responsibility for our suffering.

Being on our own unique path is not a given by nature, but rather a choice.

Nature has already provided us with every tool that we need to explore, thrive, and enjoy our time on this planet. We have been on this planet for over 300.000 years, with approximately 12.000 generations behind us. As a sophisticated, resilient species, we outlived our fellow Australopithecus, Homo Habilis and Homo Erectus, 4 million years ago, before evolving into Homo Sapiens.
Therefore, YES you are well-equipped to work on your well-being.

Jungian psychologist Robert Johnson explains in Inner Work:^*7
“Because this process of actualizing oneself and becoming more complete also reveals one’s special, individual structure. It shows how the universal human traits and possibilities are combined in each individual in a way that is unlike anyone else.”
Jung writes in Two Essays on Analytical Psychology:
Individuation means becoming an “in-dividual,” and, in so far as “individuality” embraces our innermost, last, and incomparable uniqueness, it also implies becoming one’s own self. We could therefore translate individuation as “coming to selfhood” or “self-realization.”
Johnson points out that individuation doesn’t mean we become isolated from the human race. He writes,
Once we feel more secure as individuals, more complete within ourselves, it is natural also to seek the myriad ways in which we resemble our fellow human beings … the essential human qualities that bind us together in the human tribe.
As we individuate, we connect and identify with the entire human family at deeper levels.

You will be able to keep what is currently beneficial to you while discarding what is no longer useful, an not yours to keep.
It is a journey of endurance, but we must remember that our pain is a productive pain, a pain that needs to be expressed so that we can honor parts of ourselves that have been hidden, and as they shine, the balance will be restored, and we will be alright.

Trauma and attachment are interconnected,

according to Franz Ruppert's theory of how trauma works, as stated in his book "Symbiosis and Autonomy".

He observed that trauma effect is that a part of the psyche, the "traumatized part," remains a prisoner of the energy, fears, and pains generated by the traumatic situation, while another part, the "surviving part," tries to keep the negative experience as far from consciousness as possible in order to survive the traumatic experience and manage everyday life with the help of the remaining psychic potential.

As long as there is a significant internal distance from the trauma, the psychic structure that was able to develop and maintain health prior to the trauma remains intact.

“First of all, the extreme fear that the trauma leaves behind as a memory is what harms the building of healthy relationships.
Instead of perceptions, projections appear.
My sustained concerns with attachment and trauma theory helped me better understand:
why do these difficulties exist at the psychic level to make a clear difference between the present and the past
why past experiences often have a much stronger effect inside us than what we live right now and here.
The reason is that traumas are primarily managed through cleavages (splits) of the psychic structure. In this process, the inner unity of the individual is lost. I think it is important to make the distinction here between "dissociation" and "cleavage". While dissociations can be temporary, cleavages are permanent.”*3

Mental health is manifested by the ability to enter into deep affective relationships. We can establish a good relationship with someone else when we have a good relationship with ourselves or after we’ve learned to secure ourselves.
Healthy psychic elements can manage the individual's sexuality so that it serves and respects reciprocity. Healthy sexuality is manifested in an intimate setting, but not in secret.
Healthy psychic aspects have the ability to reflect on the appropriateness of their own actions and are prepared to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. Self-reflection and taking responsibility are only possible when there is a will to focus on the truth of what happened.

The desire for clarity is an internal need of the healthy parts, stemming from the realization that unclear feelings and thoughts cause even more confusion and serve no purpose.*3

The Neuroscience of Trauma Splitting

“Much of how we relate to the world is learned in the first few years of our lives.
New findings in neuroscience inform us that our early attachment patterns deeply affect how we process information throughout life. Securely attached children learn from an early age that they can trust the world and those around them and how they feel within themselves. As adults, when distress happens, they can trust their own ability to regulate and modulate their states.
However, in other cases where the caregivers were unavailable, aggressive, unpredictable, or unable to regulate emotions, there would be a rupture in the child’s attachment patterns.
Children are not meant to be left alone to deal with emotional upsets.

Without a responsive caregiver to mirror their feelings and model healthy regulation, a child would not know what to do and would be overwhelmed by his/her own distress.
This is vividly demonstrated in the Still Face Experiment (a famous psychology experiment conducted in 1975 by Edward Tronick; As you can observe in the video, the emotional dysregulation caused by the mother’s lack of mirroring is so horrific that it cannot be taken in or understood by the child’s brain. It overwhelms his natural processing system, resulting in psychological trauma.

These traumas result from a series of repeated, often ‘invisible’ childhood experiences of maltreatment, abuse, neglect, and situations in which the child has little or no control or perceived hope to escape.
As a result, these children’s memories will be dissociated into fragments. There is a breakdown in their capacity to process or integrate their experience and their states.
Even as adults, they feel ungrounded, fragmented, and unable to hold onto a solid sense of self.”*2

Denial as a defense mechanism

The traumatized aspects of the psyche are typically removed from consciousness. They are suppressed by the surviving parts and only appear in stressful life situations when the surviving parts' control is insufficient.

Their primary characteristic is that they do not age.
This means that they are still at the same stage of development as when the trauma occurred.

They cannot develop further while hidden because they lack new life experiences. Not only is the negative aspect of the traumatized part inaccessible to the rest of the personality, but its positive vital energies cannot be used in this manner.

These traumatized parts are a constant source of distress in the individual's psyche. The main task of the surviving parts is to create and protect the psychic cleavage.

I call these survivor parts because they help you survive after a trauma.

In the long run, they save lives and are desperately needed as long as the external traumatic situation exists. However, in the medium and long term, particularly when the external traumatic situation has been resolved for an extended period of time, they become a barrier to the individual's development.

That is why recognizing traumatic experiences can be difficult;
even if the person is willing to acknowledge the traumatic situation as the source of his problems, his/hers ideas about how to "cure" a trauma remain illusory, believing that this can be accomplished quickly, through rituals and shortcuts, numerous external auxiliary means, bypassing the source, the painful memories.*3

How to tell if you’re in denial

“If you’re living with trauma or PTSD denial, or you suspect that someone you love is, there are some signs that’ll help you identify this process.
Avoidance is one of them.
If someone brings up the event, you may be the first to change the subject. You may also feel uncomfortable when people around you get emotional or vulnerable.
If someone is asking you questions, you may divert attention away from yourself, preferring to learn more about whoever you’re talking with instead.
You may have symptoms of avoidance, like staying busy in romantic relationships, using work as an escape, or engaging in substance use.
One of the most common signs that someone is in denial is minimization, says Turner. It often comes out in the way you talk about (or, rather, don’t talk about) what happened.
Minimization can sound like:

“It’s fine. I’m OK, really.”
“That was then. This is now.”
“I’m sure that happens to everyone.”
“It wasn’t a big deal. I’ve moved on.”
“There’s no use talking about the past.”
“It wasn’t bad enough to be called trauma.”
“That didn’t happen to me.”
“I’m strong. I can deal with it fine.”
“I just prefer not thinking about it.”

Everyone’s different, and these examples may not be what you relate to. Maybe you’re handling it in a different way. Self-exploration, ideally with the help of a health professional, may provide you with clearer signs.

How to resolve trauma (and why)

Healing from trauma takes time, but it’s possible. When you can work through it, you may feel like taking off a heavy backpack you never even knew was there.
And when you finally reach the other side of trauma, there may be a new range of emotions available to you: relief, completion, lightness, closure, liberation, or joy.

When we encounter and re-experience a significant trigger or a negative experience that marks us, it creates a kind of gravitational field that strengthens our sense of proof.

Learning to make free associations can help us transform our feelings, thoughts, and emotions and gain a new balance. Sometimes, when we read theories or process intellectualized information, it can be challenging to connect with ourselves.

However, if we practice personifying our feelings, emotions, or moods, we can establish a relationship with them.*10 This can lead to a complete shift in our orientation, resulting in a different outcome.

To some extent, we have positive experiences as adults, but because the gravitational field of the positive experiences is so small, these new positive memories either fade away or become unreachable when we re-experience negative emotions as adults, we see only what our brain has learned to recognize and validate.

We can broaden our current perspectives, pay attention to our "complexes or triggers," and gradually dissolve our old self-concepts or beliefs as we allow them to stay in the light.

For instance, we might hold the conviction that we don't deserve love, regardless of our experiences.

If someone in our lives temporary diverts their attention from us for any number of reasons, our fear of not feeling worthy of receiving love could lead us to repeatedly believe that we are unlovable.

This is a fixed old belief about ourselves, probably rooted in our early childhood unmet needs for affection, and according to the self-verification theory (which I will discuss in my next newsletter), we will seek evidence to validate our self-perception and reinforce those beliefs that impacted us negatively, even now that we are adults and aware of our own worthiness.

Sometimes it's not about attachment styles and theories, or our emotions or feelings, but about pure incompatibility in communication, mixed messages that we simply can't take in, and a lack of clarity in some dynamics, so it's important to resist labeling or blaming.

When we try to figure out what is going on, we need time to go through all the different phases, observe, and keep in mind that in every relationship there are at least two different stories.

Relying only on our intellect can be limiting, so trusting your body, which will also provide information, is important.

As we learn to access awareness, we may find ourselves overrationalizing, overthinking, and overanalyzing (you can read more about how the brain works here).

However, trusting our bodies and listening to how certain situations feel in our stomach, chest, throat, and lungs can be a better indicator of accurate information or an invitation to self-care.

Dreams can provide you with valuable insights.

“A large aspect of dream interpretation considers your associations and what each symbol means to you personally. In that sense, interpreting your own dreams can be very effective.
In Gestalt therapy, dreams may be considered messages from your subconscious mind. In this approach, dreams may be viewed as expressions of your personality that could require unification or attention.”*7

Dreams allow our ego to enter the realm of the shadow, extract as much knowledge of our'self' as possible, and integrate this knowledge into the ego in order to achieve individual wholeness, or Individuation, as Jung called it.

It's how our brain vents information that isn't processed consciously, our dreams are full of symbols, and we can gain a lot of insight our our actual inner state if we work with a therapist and learn how to interpret them, especially our recurring dreams, which contain memories that need to be released.

Emotional Regulation Dream Theory
The emotional regulation dream theory says that the function of dreams is to help us process and cope with our emotions or trauma in the safe space of slumber.
Research shows that the amygdala, which is involved in processing emotions, and the hippocampus, which plays a vital role in condensing information and moving it from short-term to long-term memory storage, are active during vivid, intense dreaming.
This illustrates a strong link between dreaming, memory storage, and emotional processing.3
This theory suggests that REM sleep plays a vital role in emotional brain regulation. It also helps explain why so many dreams are emotionally vivid and why emotional or traumatic experiences tend to show up on repeat.

Research has shown a connection between the ability to process emotions and the amount of REM sleep a person gets.

The ability to make unexpected connections between memories and ideas that appear in your dreams often proves to be an especially fertile ground for creativity.*8

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach

Trauma impacts everyone differently. Recovery is a process unique to each individual. Allowing yourself to gravitate toward the approach that feels the most authentic for you can he helpful in maximizing your recovery process.
“There are multiple ways to address this; talking to a doctor, a counselor, a psychologist, a trauma-informed minister are all options,” says Shaw.
“Some individuals take great comfort through exercises, stretches, and maintaining relaxation in the body,” Shaw explains. “Not everyone desires to talk to professionals after experiencing a trauma, and that is OK.”
The important thing is going with whatever feels the most supportive.”*4

Post-traumatic growth is possible

“Post-traumatic growth literally means growth after trauma ~ in the sense of an inner and outer unfolding and enfolding ~ which implies › increase in personal strength and resilience › improved relationships › more appreciation and a more positive attitude towards life in general › the opening of new opportunities › and a deeper sense of purpose and meaning.

Growth, in this context, is not an increase in quantity (like growth of economy or population). It is not the development of something unwanted or threatening (like a tumour). And it is most likely not an increase in physical size (like a growing child).

Growing in Consciousness ~ in the understanding of Synchronosophy ~ relates to a development in maturity. It means quite simply, turning our attention to those inner creatures, who have been frozen by trauma and left stranded in the inner permafrost. It means bringing them home ‘into the fold’ (= enfolding) and nurturing them into growing up.” *5 by Veronika Bond

Grief is an overlooked process that can release a tremendous amount of stuck energy.

Each of us dies many times in a psychological way as we grow and mature, and part of "waking up" and shedding our new skin from time to time is being aware of our potential throughout the process of life.
As I’ve wrote in one of my favorite posts: "Death Education" is at the same time "Life Education."

Death is more than just our physical death; it is also the metaphorical or symbolic death for changing, letting go of old versions of ourselves, old dreams, the life we imagined but never had because it was not ours to live, it was a projection and fantasy, perhaps what our parents wanted but never had, so we may feel like we disappointed them and ourselves when we move on.

We let go of parts of ourselves to make way for something new, for what we want now, and grief acts as a mediator.

“The pain is compounded by the feeling that one has not been given “permission” to experience it. But the framework of mourning can help an individual work through such moments of chaos, especially if those around them respond with compassion, and recognize that an individual is entitled to anger, numbness, and nonlinear healing.

If we suppress our emotional pain and ignore it, it doesn’t go away. It can work its way into other aspects of our lives. Delayed grief can have a negative impact on our health and cause headaches and stomach problems, as well as a myriad of other concerns. It can also ruin previously healthy social relationships. We’ve been trained in our culture to hide our emotions of grief and sorrow. We’re told to buck up, to smile through the pain and sadness, to be “strong.” It isn’t any wonder that many of us find ourselves suffering from delayed grief.
Disenfranchised grief occurs when a loss is ignored or minimized by others, and is often linked to cultural, societal, or religious beliefs. In these instances, grief is minimized, experienced out of public view, and often disregarded. The societal stigma of suicide and drug overdose, whether intentional or not, may cause a mourner to experience disenfranchised grief. The mourner then feels they are not acknowledged, validated, or supported by society. If the griever’s relationship with the deceased is, for some reason, not recognized, the mourner can also experience disenfranchised grief.”*9

Lastly, I'd like share this lovely quote with you of Olga Jacoby.

“Whatever we cannot know let us simply and truthfully agree not to know, but no one must be expected to take for granted what reason refuses to admit.

More and more to me this simplest of thoughts seems right: Live, live keenly, live fully; make ample use of every power that has been given us to use, to use for the good end.

Blind yourself to nothing; look straight at sadness, loss, evil; but at the same time look with such intense delight at all that is good and noble that quite naturally the heart’s longing will be to help the glory to triumph, and that to have been a strong fighter in that cause will appear the only end worth achieving.

The length of life does not depend on us, but as long as we can look back to no waste of time we can face the end with a clear conscience, with cheerful if somewhat tired eyes and ready for the deserved rest with no hope or anxiety for what may come.”

Resources:

*1 https://www.research.colostate.edu/healthyagingcenter/2022/05/31/how-to-rewire-your-brain/
*2 https://eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/
*3 Franz Ruppert “Symbiosis and Autonomy”
*4 https://psychcentral.com/blog/denial-of-trauma-signs#how-to-work-through-trauma
*5
Veronika’s Substack : Wordcasts for the Symbiocene
Heroism ~ the Upside of Trauma
The reason for evil in the world is that people are not able to tell their stories. 〰 Carl Gustav Jung 〰 The Trauma Response Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering. 〰 Peter Levine 〰…
Read more
10 months ago · 19 likes · 15 comments · Veronika Bond
*6 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/regression
*7 https://psychcentral.com/lib/dream-analysis-and-interpretation
*8 https://www.verywellmind.com/why-do-we-dream-top-dream-theories-2795931
*9 https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-time-cure/202403/the-grief-you-feel-is-real
https://www.verywellmind.com/10-ways-to-heal-from-trauma-5206940

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While I have based this article mostly on my own research and observations, I have used information from a variety of sources for reference, as you will find in resources. However, please be kind with gaps or shortcomings.
Read it at your own pace and enjoy this moment of solitude and self-reflection.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” C.G.Jung

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