Part III: Polyamory, Monogamy and other types of bonds explained: Self-verification theory. How Self-Esteem form. Boundaries types.

The Impact of Self-Perception on Relationship Quality. We construct "self-trap" images, beliefs, and fixed ideas about ourselves, then expect others to mirror back to us.

Table of contents:

The aim of this five-part newsletter is to provide a thorough understanding of how we relate to ourselves first, how our self-concept influences and favors outcomes according to how we expect others to value our presence, how relationships form, and why, regardless of our attachment style, even if it is secure, we must learn to develop the skills and abilities to acknowledge, negotiate, and request from those around us, as well as understand how reciprocity and giving back are essential in all relationships.

Part I: Read here.
Our biology, why we pair bond, the neurochemistry, and hormone systems
What is an attachment style
What is Polyamory/Monogamy
Monogamy, non-monogamy, polyamory, and other types of bonds

Part II: Read here
Healing the Attachment Style.
The Path of Individuation
Denial as a Defense Mechanism
Understanding How Trauma Works
How to resolve trauma (and why)
Grief

Part III (this newsletter)
Sadness/Tears
Self-verification theory/ self-concept/ self-esteem
Boundaries: Healthy, porous, and rigid
Compatibility and incompatibility
Differences and sameness importance
Symbiosis and Autonomy

Part IV: Read here
Object Relations Theory:
The splitting of the ego/ the “bad” object, and the “good” object in our mind—why do we stay in dysfunctional relationships
The Self's Growth: Accepting the Good and the Bad
Carl Rogers: Actual Self, Ideal Self, and Self Actualization

Part V: Read here
Infidelity and betrayal
Inviting and unpacking the shadow of the third
Jealousy and envy

Part VI ( last part newsletter)
Shame and guilt
The universal need to belong
Individuation
Conclusions

*References

After discussing the reasons for pair bonding, the formation of attachment styles, and the characteristics of polyamory and monogamy arrangements, I've moved on to the relationship between attachment and trauma, the importance of self-actualization in our current adult lives, and strategies for identifying, overcoming, and cultivating growth from difficult experiences.

In the second part, I discussed various methods for healing trauma, how our "survival" or "traumatized" parts can react to new ways of living, and how we can be in denial of our wounds.

Grief plays a crucial role in the formation of new neural pathways.

We need an extensive amount of mental and metabolic energy to rebuild, heal, and to see our current situation and context with new eyes, as well as to be active and present in relationships, create or recognize what needs to be addressed or what is already highly compatible.

Therefore, we gather energy as we grieve our preconceived notions about our lives, about people, and the unfulfilled expectations; we grieve about past relationships; we mourn the absence; we mourn the lack of love; we mourn the lack of celebration; we grieve about everything we should have experienced but was not available to us; Just mourn, cry, write, burn, scream, and be angry—whatever it takes to get emotions out of your heart and body; grieve about the unrealized dreams of the young girl or boy you once were; and release the extra super energy to start anew.

Uncomfortable sadness often causes us to feel out of control, which is why it's important to embrace it, let it be consumed, and experience it in solitude or just be sad with others who can empathize with you; share your sadness with a therapist; cry in nature; and let your sadness out with your favorite playlists.

Identifying and accessing feelings is one of the most healing things we can do for ourselves, and nature has supported and designed us to experience feelings and created tears.

Crying can revitalize and nourish people, much like preparing fertile soil for new growth. Tears help us change and recognize the amplitude of our real emotions.

Tears are Fertility Symbols.
Tears are an attempt by the psyche to cleanse, nurture, and fertilize the emotional landscape.
They facilitate the release of repressed emotions, allowing for psychological healing and new emotional beginnings.

Crying is a fundamentally human act that connects our internal and external emotions.
Crying allows us to transition from emotional distress to relief and clarity.
Grief tears may assist in the relief of acute pain and the healing process.

I wish we could all understand the value of grief throughout our lives, little "deaths," and new beginnings, as I have already talked about this important process in some of my previous posts:

The connection between orgasms, death, and the ego. Eroticism/Mother Death archetype. "La petite mort". Understanding our existential reality is essential for living life to the fullest.

In this third newsletter, I want to continue discussing how, even when we try new patterns in relationships, we may still find ourselves reinforcing our self-concept or unconsciously focusing on what is not working, what is wrong in our relationships, and the desperate need to make things right once we start recognizing our attachment styles and the dynamics we have in our relationships.

Sometimes the hardest part of the work that is proved to be the most challenging is understanding self-prophecy and how my own self-concept is preventing us from seeing green flags, not only red flags.

“The idea behind a self-fulfilling prophecy, also known as the Pygmalion effect, is that your belief about what will happen drives the actions that make that outcome ultimately come to pass.

Rosenthal R. Self-fulfilling prophecy. In: Encyclopedia of Human Behavior. Elsevier;

If you expect everything to go wrong, you might put in less effort or fail to take steps that could turn things around, which means that expecting the worst brings out the worst.” *4

Even if there are still issues that need addressing them, we must learn to recognize what is novel, new and changed, what is genuinely positive or enjoyable.

Celebrating small victories can be a way to live in a moment, while we may still operate from an old pattern and creating a new ideal pattern, we live in between old and new and this is a great moment to start being kind to ourselves if that was not the case.

Illustration by ©Struvictory Art

According to the self-verification theory, we construct a self-concept, create "self-trap" images, beliefs, and fixed thoughts about ourselves, and expect others to reflect these back to us.

So. Let's explore the fascinating topic of how our self-esteem can predict either favorable or unfavorable outcomes.

Self-verification theory, self-trap and self-esteem.

According to Willian Swann's 1981*1 self-verification theory, people actively seek ways to validate their preconceived views about themselves, whether positive or negative.

This desire for consistency helps to stabilize one's self-concept and provides a predictable world. We seek control.

People would go to great measures to ensure that others agree with their safe self-views, all in the hopes of persuading others to perceive themselves the same way.

Swann proposed that people learn about themselves through how others treat them, and that as they collect more evidence to back up their ideas, they become more aware of them. Once strongly established, these worldviews can guide a person's activities and help them predict their surroundings.

When people and situations confirm our ideas of ourselves we are more prone to seek them out.

People who have a positive self-image are more likely to draw toward others who leave a positive impression. People who have a negative self-image seek out and associate with those that make them feel horrible about themselves.

Healthy Narcissism: The Constructive Self-Esteem

I'd like to distinguish between healthy self-esteem, which we all require in order to separate ourselves from the world, stand up for ourselves, maintain boundaries, and trust our abilities, and personality disorders such as narcissism. (I'll write a full post about Narcissism in the near future.)

”Narcissism” is a form of self-esteem that can be harmful, as it can lead to inflated and unjustified self-esteem. Narcissists often have high self-esteem, self-admiration, and self-centeredness.

”A fragmented self”

“Highly stressful or traumatic experiences in early life fracture and severe the self from pervasive feelings of shame and humiliation, which remain hidden in the subconscious mind. An all-powerful false self serves to cloak the fragility of a wounded true self.
Pathological narcissism is a construct used to describe a maladaptive and socially destructive form of self-idealization. In clinical practice, it’s known as a narcissistic personality disorder and in popular culture, it’s called malignant narcissism. It is understood to develop as a defensive ego structure that protects a wounded true self by shielding it with an omnipotent false self.” *8 

When the narcissistic side of the personality is out of balance, it can result in low or high degrees of narcissism.
At one extreme of the spectrum, there is pathological narcissism, which prioritizes one's own wants over others. Their actions are self-centered, and the needs of others are overlooked. They become entitled and grandiose, attempting to control others around them while using rage, anger to manipulate the environment to meet their desires. They seek praise and acknowledgment for their uniqueness and specialness.

On the opposite end of the scale, we have low levels of narcissism, which causes the individual to prioritize the needs of others over their own and perceive little value in themselves. They may develop a habit of pleasing others and lose sight of their own desires and needs. They may struggle to stand up for themselves and endure being mistreated in relationships because they may not believe they deserve to be loved and appreciated for themselves.

Healthy self-esteem need is self-actualization.

Abraham Maslow first introduced the concept of a hierarchy of needs in his 1943 paper, titled "A Theory of Human Motivation," and again in his subsequent book, "Motivation and Personality." This hierarchy suggests that people are motivated to fulfill basic needs before moving on to other, more advanced needs.

As a humanist, Maslow believed that people have an inborn desire to be self-actualized, that is, to be all they can be. To achieve this ultimate goal, however, a number of more basic needs must be met. This includes the need for food, safety, love, and self-esteem.*13

“Having healthy self-esteem can help motivate you to reach your goals, because you are able to navigate life knowing that you are capable of accomplishing what you set your mind to. Additionally, when you have healthy self-esteem, you are able to set appropriate boundaries in relationships and maintain a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
Key elements of self-esteem include:

• Self-confidence

• Feelings of security

• Identity

• Sense of belonging

• Feeling of competence

Other terms often used interchangeably with self-esteem include self-worth, self-regard, and self-respect.

Self-esteem tends to be lowest in childhood and increases during adolescence, as well as adulthood, eventually reaching a fairly stable and enduring level. This makes self-esteem similar to the stability of personality traits over time.” *11

“Self-actualization is also marked by the ability to maintain a fresh outlook on life.

Instead of seeing everyday experiences as mundane or stale, for example, self-actualized people continue to feel a sense of awe, wonder, and joy. They maintain a sense of gratitude for the good things in life, no matter how often they experience those things.

Self-Actualization Involves Acceptance

Another key characteristic of self-actualization is the ability to accept themselves and others as they are. They tend to lack inhibition and can enjoy themselves and their lives free of guilt.

Not only do self-actualized people fully accept themselves, they also embrace others for who they are. Other individuals are treated equally regardless of background, current status, or other socio-economic and cultural factors.”12*

So, going back to our self-verification idea, we look for people who will affirm that we are deserving of love, attention, or validation of our traits, or those who will point out that we must put in extra effort, strive, and be constantly trying to earn love, attention, and acceptance, or both. As a result, the degree of our self-esteem can be an indicator of what we are willing to receive, give, and experience.

Image source

As we grow older, we shape our self-concept and learn about how others perceive us, particularly from the portrayals of authority figures such as parents and teachers. We absorb clues about our identity from others, internalize them as our own, and frequently navigate life without questioning or updating.

If we had a critical parent who constantly pointed out what we did wrong while never, or rarely celebrating or praising what we did right, we were likely to internalize that voice and become critical adults ourselves, talking to ourselves in that voice and seeking confirmation from others that we were terrible.

Being raised by a highly critical parent could be like *2:

-You feel the need to prove yourself
-You often overthink things
-You tend to be critical of others
-You’re prone to depression
-You have a harsh inner critic
-You experience a lot of social anxiety
-You rarely take compliments to heart
-You have a hard time believing people like you
-You often feel defensive
-You constantly apologize
-It takes you a long time to complete a task
-You tend to be a perfectionist
-It’s hard to bounce back from mistakes
-You have a hard time trusting yourself

Despite our best efforts, we would ignore or distrust the positive comments from those who appreciated us. Instead, we would become dissatisfied and pursue those who couldn't love us the way we desired, hoping that they would change their minds. They may share the same attitude as one of our parents.
By reliving our current situation with a new person, we actually want to repair an old bond with that parent that was not closing the gap, choosing us, and loving us unconditionally as we have needed to be.

This may assist to explain why people who have poor self-esteem frequently find themselves in toxic relationships. We repeat what we don’t repair!

When people are in relationships, they work extremely hard to encourage their partners to affirm their opinions about themselves. They may strive to discover others who validate their self-perceptions, intensify their efforts, or even seek more confirmation of themselves than is available. If this does not work, they may begin to seek more proof of themselves than exists, or they may end the connection.

When people have high thoughts of themselves, they tend to associate with positive people; conversely, when people have negative impressions of themselves, they tend to associate with negative individuals. *7

And in my next newsletter, I will discuss the importance of receiving both positive and negative feedback, as well as being open and receiving without attaching our own worth and value to the opinions of others, and how this will broaden our window of tolerance.
We can gain true inclusiveness with others by understanding what is true compatibility and incompatibility, which will lead to better intimacy with different people and a better understanding of what is good for us and what is not.

Illustration by ©Struvictory Art

Two key concepts in social psychology are self-enhancement and self-verification theory.

“Self-enhancement is one of social psychology’s earliest theories. It suggests that humans have a vital and universal need to view themselves positively.

Among people with positive self-views, the desire for self-verification can work hand in hand with the desire for self-enhancement.

For instance, those who view themselves as likable will find that their desires for self-verification and self-enhancement compel them to seek feedback that others perceive them as likable.

For example, someone who sees themselves as an unlikeable person will find that their desire for self-verification compels them to seek evidence that others perceive them as unlikeable.

But their desire for self-enhancement compels them to seek evidence that others perceive them as likable.

Support for self-enhancement theory comes from research that asked participants to choose between two evaluators – one who gave a positive evaluation and one who gave a negative evaluation.

When forced to choose between the two, participants selected the positive evaluator even if they viewed themselves negatively.

However, only with time to reflect did the participants with negative self-views choose the negative, self-verifying evaluator.

One way to understand the relationship between self-verification and self-enhancement is to recognize each motive emerging as part of a sequence.

This means that immediate responses are more likely to be self-enhancing, while more considered responses are likely to be more self-verifying.

This could be because self-enhancement strivings require only one step – people are firstly more likely to embrace positive evaluations and reject negative ones.”*3

Self-verification theory also explains some of the effects of self-fulfilling prophecies. For example, if a child's parents and teachers agree that they are clever, the child may study hard in school while remaining confident in their own brilliance. This usually results in increased efficiency.

People can change their self-perceptions if they acknowledge that their existing self-image is inhibiting them from attaining an important goal.

Even with the assistance of a therapist, self-awareness and the conscious pursuit of better self-perceptions can go a long way. It can be challenging to recognize the self-trap, as our brain often prevents us from experiencing unpleasant situations or avoids specific contexts to ensure our safety.

Despite our conscious efforts, we often struggle to recognize ourselves, and others can serve as mirrors, highlighting aspects of ourselves that we may overlook.

Illustration by ©Struvictory Art

Boundaries: Healthy, porous, and rigid

“Our boundaries are the ways we protect ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. They are how we establish our sovereignty, as well as how we open ourselves to others.

Our boundaries are the meeting point between ourselves and the other- the point at which we can be both separate and connected.

Our boundaries guide us in navigating our relationships and they are directly related to the ways in which we are able to give and receive love. When we’ve experienced attachment wounds as children and adults, we can experience disruptions in our ability to give love, receive love, or both. If connection and love from our caretakers was absent, inconsistent or dangerous, we may want love from others, but then have difficulty letting it in.

We can struggle to believe that it is safe and real, that it doesn’t have string attached, and that it here to stay.

It can be extremely vulnerable to try to let people into the deeper places and we may not even allow ourselves to go there. Soaking up the love from our partners and allowing it to penetrate into our bones and cells can be foreign and frightening.” *5

In her book Loving Bravely, Alexandra H. Solomon*6 portrays boundaries as either too porous or too rigid in terms of what we accept in from others and how we offer outwards to others. Porous boundaries form when we are connected yet unprotected, and rigid boundaries form when we are protected but disconnected.

We require autonomy and connection for secure functioning, and we need connection and protection in tandem to maintain healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries- being connected and protected

Input: we can connect with others, while also maintaining our sense of self. We take in love from others.
Output: we share our feelings, opinions and perspectives while respecting and allowing others to be distinct and separate from us. We can give to others.
…..
Porous boundaries- being connected but not protected

Input: over-receiving, we absorb and allow in what is not ours. We lose our sense of self.
Output: over-giving, we intrude onto others, inserting our thoughts, feelings and opinions, perspectives or sense of self into them.
…..
Rigid boundaries- being protected but not connected

Input: under-receiving, we block out the input and love of others.
Output: under-giving, we restrain ourselves from expressing or giving to others.*5

“Questions to consider:

-How do you find yourself over-giving in relationships?
-How do you find yourself under-giving in relationships?
-In what ways do you find yourself over-receiving and over-taking in relationships?
-In what ways do you find yourself under-receiving in relationships?
-In what ways to you experience your boundaries as porous, whether by being absorbing, being intrusive or both?
-In what ways do you experience your boundaries as rigid, whether by blocking, restraining or both?”*5

The purpose of boundaries is to deepen relationships rather than to damage them; therefore, in order to have healthy relationships, we must first care for ourselves so that we can interact with intention and clarity in the world.

Even if we are hesitant to set boundaries at times, we can set them or plan to set them in the future, and respect that there must be consequences for those who cross them, because only by maintaining them do we teach others how to care for us, how to respect and treat us.
The main reason we let others pass us is that we are afraid of not being loved, of them leaving us, or of them ignoring us.

Whatever the reason, the feeling that underlies a need is trying to indicate to us what is missing; from there, we can take action and provide ourselves with what we truly need. If it's a sense of belonging, we look for ways to feel like we belong in our family, with our friends, and in contexts that nurture that specific feeling.

Image Source

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Compatibility and incompatibility
Differences and sameness importance

Incompatibility is when two things cannot exist or occur together without creating conflict and without being a detriment to one or to both of them.

“Many people grow up in households that have no respect for boundaries and so safety in the house is about throwing your unique identity away to create social harmony rather than developing a solid core and really knowing yourself.  

When this is the case, a person grows into an adult that does not know himself or herself at all.
Because of this, this person wants a relationship but has no capacity to assess compatibility before entering into a relationship.
Instead, they will try to become and promise to be exactly what the other person wants and needs.
This will be impossible of course to maintain because it is impossible to deny who we really are and what we really want and need.
The truth will come out eventually but often far after two people have already committed to a kind of relationship where these differences make for an impossibility to maintain harmony.

One of the reasons we tend to be inauthentic is that we feel so much shame for our personal truth and what we really want and need that we cannot admit to it. Or we feel the consequence of being authentic is not something we can face.
The truth comes out, as it always does, in subconscious ways.

We send mixed messages constantly and other people start to guess at our truth even when we deny it.  But what we have to see is that we are setting ourselves up by doing this. We are also setting other people up. We are setting ourselves up to be loved for a mask, not for who we really are. And because they agreed to the mask, when we remove it, they will feel duped and may reject who we really are. We are also setting them up because they are agreeing to a relationship and assessing compatibility based on something false.

They can’t discern incompatibility if we are leading them to believe we are compatible to them when we are not.

The single hardest thing by far when it comes to assessing compatibility is that attraction has absolutely no respect for compatibility.

Incompatible with our family

Another super hard thing is that many of us were incompatible with the very family that we were born into.
It is an assumption that by being born into a family, we will be compatible with that family.

This is just not the case even though it is taboo in society to say that.  If our differences cannot be accommodated by or accepted by our family, the reality is that many of us would have ended off much better in a different family.

As a result, when this was the case, we developed a core self-concept of shame.

When this was our experience and therefore our core wounding, we carry this unhealed wound into adulthood and so we will find ourselves in relationships with incompatible partners over and over again until we can find resolution to this wound and be aware enough to consciously choose a compatible partner.

Compatibility

Simply put, compatibility is when two things are able to exist or occur together in a state of harmony and without conflict.
If two things are compatible, their co-existence is beneficial and ads to the well-being of each of them.

One of the most common misunderstandings people have about compatibility is that they confuse compatibility with sameness.

What I mean by this is that people assume that they are compatible to someone if they are the same as that person. For example, if they have the same interests, opinions, strengths, likes and dislikes, goals, personality, priorities, beliefs, ambition, passions, philosophies etc. This is not true. Compatibility is more complex than this. Two things being the same might spell compatibility or two things being the same might spell incompatibility. Likewise, two things being different might spell compatibility or they might spell incompatibility.

To give you some simple examples of differences that could spell compatibility or incompatibility, if one person in a relationship wants to have a lot of alone time in a relationship and the other wants a lot of together time, this is a difference that is incompatible.

If one person in a relationship loves to cook but hates to clean and the other likes to clean but hates to cook, this is a difference that is compatible. If one person values personal development and change the other values stability and likes things to stay the way they are, this is a difference that is incompatible.

If one person likes to be dominant sexually and the other loves to be submissive sexually, this is a difference that is compatible.  

One of the biggest issues that you will run into if you don’t recognize that compatibility is different than sameness, and if you don’t see that sameness can spell incompatibilities, is that you might end up in relationships where you have nothing to offer someone and they have nothing to offer you.

When this is the case, you might not end up in conflicts, but it will feel like you contribute nothing to a person’s life and they contribute nothing towards yours. It feels like this because you both offer the same things in a relationship.

And sometimes, the most compatible relationships are those where people offer different things in a relationship.

There is a transactional element in every relationship, whether it is a business relationship, a relationship with the government, a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a familial relationship etc.

A transaction at its essence, is nothing more than an energy exchange. It means each person receives something and each person provides something.

What makes a transaction a good one, is if each person gets something that is valued. And value, especially with regards to what we value most, is based on what that person needs and wants. A person has to need and want something to truly value it. Therefore, it is usually more difficult to value something you already have an abundance of.

Sameness can lead to a weak transactional element in a relationship.
What you should be going for is a relationship arrangement that is symbiotic.

When a relationship is truly symbiotic in its compatibility, it enhances the well-being of any and all individuals in that relationship. And as such, you don’t become preoccupied with needing or wanting the other to change into something else in order to be able to feel good in the relationship.

Compatibility is really about seeing the reality of yourself and the reality of someone else, so that you can accurately assess what the right type of relationship is between you and them and what the right relationship arrangement or configuration is between you and them. For this reason, it is important to not confuse compatibility with sameness. Because sameness could in fact imply incompatibility.”*10

I have read two books by Otto F. Kernberg, Love Relations: Normality and Pathology, and Symbiosis and Autonomy by Franz Ruppert multiple times in the last 10 years, and they have helped me understand how we can form compatible relationships and why, as adults, we still end up in very incompatible relationships.

Kernberg's work focuses more on the capacity of each individual to handle each other's positive and negative traits, which lead to compatibility and stable, safe relationships.

Unresolved issues, denials, and defenses to protect themselves cause misunderstanding and emotional distance.
In order for compatibility to arise, both partners need to manage their emotions well and work through their internal conflicts.
The balance between sameness and differences in relationships helps partners grow and understand each other better, but they need to share values and goals to be truly beneficial.
Too much sameness can make the relationship stagnant, while too many differences can lead to conflict. Blending both differences and sameness in a way that allows partners to grow individually and together has proven to be a success formula that bonds and deepens.

Franz Ruppert's work emphasizes the success of a relationship through the lenses of trauma, identity and *symbiotic experiences.
People who have dealt with their traumas are more likely to find and stay in healthy relationships.
Incompatibility occurs when unresolved trauma persists in unhealthy relational patterns and emotional reactions.
What I appreciate about Franz Ruppert's work is his exploration of how we carry some of our symbiotic traumas with us since infancy into our adult romantic relationships and we call them casual sex or polyamorous needs.

”Sexuality as compensation

Individuals whose symbiotic needs were not met in childhood often use sexuality as a way to ignore their loneliness, at least for a few moments. Touching and sexual stimulation by another person must fill the inner void and inability to have feelings.
The sexual act can facilitate the illusion that unsatisfied symbiotic desires in childhood will now be realized and the individual will be able to become one with the partner.
I found out in my clinical work with male patients symbiotically neglected in childhood that they often connect the penetration of the female body with phantasms of returning to the maternal body, because that was for them the only place where they felt symbiotically connected with their mother.

Early symbiotic detachment from their traumatized mother makes girls highly receptive to their fathers'/ male offers of physical intimacy. The child has no alternative but to endure this conflict between the need for affection and the disgust that arises in the situation of abuse, splitting into a part that idealizes its father and a part that endures pain and fear.

As teenagers and adults, these girls are already used to the fact that intimacy can only be obtained at the price of a man's sexual satisfaction.

As adults, former symbiotically malnourished children are very vulnerable to offers of sexual connection. Often they accept everything they can get even if they are already in a couple. The more the individual is physically, mentally and spiritually split due trauma, the easier it is for him/her to juggle triangular relationships.”*9

*Symbiosis is a critical stage in infancy in which a child develops a deeply interdependent relationship with their primary caregiver.

A healthy symbiosis helps to meet the child's needs while gradually encouraging independence. Unhealthy symbiosis occurs when the caregiver becomes overly involved and fails to encourage the child's autonomy, resulting in intrusion.

This will manifest in adult relationships as patterns of excessive dependency, difficulty setting boundaries, profound fear of separation, and sexual confusion, reflecting the unresolved dynamics of their early caregiving experiences.

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It is possible to have healthy polyamorous relationships or other types of bonds and arrangements if we understand our background, set boundaries, and come from a place of understanding our traumas, symbiotic complications, identity, self-esteem, and ego.
All of this is possible with the right ongoing work and frequent editing of our lives.

Thank you for reading this far. To continue...

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My posts are free and educational, but if you consider a paid subscription, I will be more than grateful.

While I have based this article mostly on my own research and observations, I have used information from a variety of sources for reference, as you will find in resources. However, please be kind with gaps or shortcomings.
Read it at your own pace and enjoy this moment of solitude and self-reflection.

I write because it’s how I make sense of the world—how I listen, how I speak, how I stay close to what matters.

But this isn’t just something I do in the quiet hours, in that space we artists share—our solitude.
It’s also work. A lot of work. It takes time, presence, and energy—resources as real and limited as anyone else’s.

Art is not a luxury. It’s how we live on.
And like anyone living, money matter—not to chase anything extravagant, but to keep going, to stay rooted, to keep making.

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Thank you for reading, for arriving, for being here. That, too, matters more than you know.

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References and resources for going deeper:

2* https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/202212/16-signs-of-being-raised-by-a-highly-critical-parent

3* https://www.simplypsychology.org/self-verification-theory.html

4* https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-self-fulfilling-prophecy-6740420

7* https://opentextbc.ca/socialpsychology/chapter/the-feeling-self-self-esteem/

8* https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/pathological-narcissism/

10* https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/compatibility-does-not-equal-sameness-r495/
11* https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-maslows-hierarchy-of-needs-4136760#citation-1

12* https://www.verywellmind.com/characteristics-of-self-actualized-people-2795963

13* https://www.verywellmind.com/characteristics-of-self-actualized-people-2795963

These are the books I read for this article and would recommend:

5* Polysecure- Jessica Fern

6* Loving Bravely, Alexandra H. Solomon

1*-Self-Traps: The Elusive Quest for Higher Self-Esteem" by William B. Swann (1996). Read it here for free.

-Identity Negotiation: A Theory of Self and Social Interaction" by William B. Swann (2009, edited book with Jeffry A. Simpson)

Otto F. Kernberg, Love Relations: Normality and Pathology

9* Symbiosis and Autonomy by Franz Ruppert