Part I: Polyamory, Monogamy and other types of bonds explained: How Secure and Insecure Attachment Styles manifest in adult romantic and non-romantic relationships.

Why we pair bond. An overview of attachment style theory.

Table of contents:

The aim of this six-part newsletter is to provide a thorough understanding of how we relate to ourselves first, how our self-concept influences and favors outcomes according to how we expect others to value our presence, how relationships form, and why, regardless of our attachment style, even if it is secure, we must learn to develop the skills and abilities to acknowledge, negotiate, and request from those around us, as well as understand how reciprocity and giving back are essential in all relationships.

Part I
Our biology, why we pair bond, the neurochemistry, and hormone systems
What is an attachment style
What is Polyamory/Monogamy
Monogamy, non-monogamy, polyamory, and other types of bonds

Part II: Read here
Healing the Attachment Style.
The Path of Individuation
Denial as a Defense Mechanism
Understanding How Trauma Works
How to resolve trauma (and why)
Grief

Part III: Read here
Sadness/Tears
Self-verification theory/ self-concept/ self-esteem
Boundaries: Healthy, porous, and rigid
Compatibility and incompatibility
Differences and sameness importance
Symbiosis and Autonomy

Part IV: Read here
Object Relations Theory:
The splitting of the ego/ the “bad” object, and the “good” object in our mind—why do we stay in dysfunctional relationships
The Self's Growth: Accepting the Good and the Bad
Carl Rogers: Actual Self, Ideal Self, and Self Actualization

Part V: Read here
Infidelity and betrayal
Inviting and unpacking the shadow of the third
Jealousy and envy

Part VI ( last part newsletter)
Shame and guilt
The universal need to belong
Individuation
Conclusions

*References

Illustration by ©Struvictory Art

If we start deconstructing our sense of self, our interactions with others, our motivations, desires, and behaviors, we discover a few fundamental forces that have led us to where we are today.

We are a multifaceted biological, economic, cultural, religious, and social product.

By taking a step back and observing our individual, unique journey, from our birth to the present, temporarily stripping away our identity and what we have learned, seen, and felt, we may be able to see and understand, more or less, how and why our lives have evolved.

This understanding will be determined by our degree of resistance to truly seeing ourselves and others, our ability to self-observe with kindness on a larger scale our wounds, our strengths, and identify how our needs were met, if they were not acknowledged or both.

Acknowledging is the first step in any form of creation.

We are born, delivered into an already existing world, and as adults, we have the ability to shape it in the way we want to live, but first we must acknowledge the world that shaped us.

Human emotions and behavior are primarily driven by neurochemistry and circuitry, which is determined by genes, just like in all the other animals. However, culture has a significant impact on how these behaviors will manifest.

In order to comprehend the nature, variety, and evolution of human behavior, we must learn more about the biological mechanisms that enable behavior and how genes function in the brain. Social and environmental factors can alter the frequency of certain genes, influencing our behavior over time.

Unlike other mammals, humans form long-term selective social bonds between mates, creating the nuclear family.

Cultural nuclear families range from strict monogamy (reinforced by society and religion) to polyamory (many loves and living arrangements), to cultural and social matrix polygyny , polyandry and more (polygyny, where one man is married to several women, and polyandry, where one woman is married to several men).

Making presumptions about what is natural and what isn’t has been used to justify the unequal treatment of gay people, people of color, women, and others for centuries. 
So this entire argument about which is more “natural” maybe is best to ignore.

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Monogamy/Polyamory

We choose our relationships, conscious and/or unconscious, and if we really want to understand how and why we form them, we must observe our patterns (and their origins), how we attach to people, our toxic traits, our functional, beautiful sides, our energy and life, and our libido level.

We choose what suits us in terms of time, effort, dynamics, and the degree to which we tolerate drama and excitement.
I believe it is best to choose reality—what is available to us right now—over ideals, projections, or fantasy that are not in our proximity. We can work towards them, but what we have now is easier to use for change and exploration.

When we gather enough information about ourselves, we can enter relationships in a fresh, conscious, clear, and proactive way.

I hope this article will shed some light on different aspects we may overlook in our day-to-day lives and also give a rebirth in enforcing that we do not have to fill any expectations or work toward whatever already feels overwhelming.

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Let us continue to understand how pair bonding works before moving on to attachment styles and, polyamory/monogamy.

About 90% of bird species are monogamous (at least over one breeding season), while only 5% of mammals are.* Intensive studies of monogamous prairie voles have revealed the molecular, cellular, and neurobiological nature of pair bonding. The term “monogamy” does not imply lifelong exclusive mating with a single individual.

In fact, many birds form pair bonds over a season, raise their offspring together, and then select another partner the following season. For biologists, monogamy implies selective (not exclusive) mating, a shared nesting area, and biparental care.
In recent years, genetic analyses of offspring have provided evidence for extra-pair copulations even among species thought to mate exclusively monogamously.*1

The pair bond process in adult mammals involves the interaction between mothers and their offspring, which is facilitated by various neurotransmitter or hormone systems. Hormones like estrogens and progestins play a role in maternal nurturing behavior during pregnancy and parturition, while oxytocin (OT) plays a crucial role in initiating maternal behavior and facilitating selective bond formation between the mother and her offspring.

According to the data*1, a single gene can strongly influence complex reproductive behaviors. Changes in brain regions expressing vasopressin receptors can greatly affect behavior.
Monogamous species have many genes involved in pair bonding, including pheromone detection, social stimuli processing, and social memory formation.

*1 Sex may not be necessary for pair bonding, but it helps, which affects human relationships.
Sexual activity is not always associated with reproduction in our species, which may have social implications beyond fertility, such as strengthening mate bonds.
Regular sexual activity may stimulate neural circuits that maintain the pair bond.

Dopamine-activated brain reward circuits may be involved in love psychobiology. Viewing photos of someone the subject said they loved deeply activated the brain like drug use.
This suggests similar neural circuits may help voles and humans bond.

Understanding the role of pair bonds in our genes, our unique biology, and neurochemical responses allows us to explore and be curious about how our biological (infant-mother) and psychological attachments (with caretakers), along with socio-cultural, economic, and religious perspectives, have and will shape our personal preferences and life perspectives.

We can progress in comprehending the formation of attachment styles and learn to acknowledge them without placing blame (on mothers, caretakers, and other figures), but with curiosity and nuances.

“NATURAL” HUMAN

Franklin Veaux, author of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, argues that humans are naturally polyamorous, naturally monogamous, and naturally asexual.

Humans are remarkably variable compared to any other animal, and therefore comparisons really can’t be made.

He remarks that humans are naturally left-handed, right-handed, ambidextrous, black-haired, brown-haired, bald, polyamorous, monogamous, asexual, aromantic, and that attempting to make claims about how we should or shouldn’t act is fruitless.

We should instead be investigating our own intuitions and desires. 

Making presumptions about what is natural and what isn’t has been used to justify the unequal treatment of gay people, people of color, women, and others for centuries. 

So this entire argument about which is more “natural” maybe is best to ignore.

But there are many benefits and detriments, and ethical arguments for and against both polyamory and monogamy. *2

Monogamy- one partner at a time
Serial Monogamy- sequential monogamous relationship

Polyamory: Multiple consensual romantic relationships
Hierarchical Polyamory: Primary and secondary relationships
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory: All relationships are equal
Solo-Polyamory: Individual autonomy prioritized
Kitchen Table Polyamory: All partners know and may socialize together
Parallel Polyamory: Partners are aware but do not interact

Other Consensual Non-Monogamous Relationships

Open relationships: one primary relationship with external partners
Open marriage: married couple with external partners
Swinging: Committed partners engage in sexual activities with others
Relationship Anarchy: Rejects traditional relationship norms, flexible agreements

Other Bonds and relationship types

Polyfidelity: Exclusive romantic group of three or more
Triad: Three person relationship, all involved
Quad: Four-person relationship with various connections
V relationships: One person with two partners who are not involved with each other
Polycule: Network of connected polyamorous relationships
Throuple (triad): Three-person relationship, all equally involved
Quad: Four-person relationship with multiple configurations

Cultural and Social variations:

Polygamy: Multiple spouses
Polygyny: One man, multiple women
Polyandry: One women, multiple men
Group marriage: multiple partners, all considered married
Intimate Networks: Interconnected intimate relationship within a group

What matters is what suits you best based on your own life chart, your level of awareness, and how well you understand yourself and others.

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Attachment Theory

This framework offers a profound, comprehension of the biological and psychological need for strong bonds with others.

British psychologist John Bowlby developed this theory in the 1960s, and his research consistently demonstrates that we are born with an attachment system that wires us to expect connection with others.

To survive as infants, we must bond with and attach to caregivers who can provide shelter, food, emotional attunement, calming, soothing touch, and responsiveness.

When an infant is afraid, uncomfortable, or in distress, their attachment system activates.

They turn towards their caregivers, engage in proximity behaviors, reach out, cry, and follow their attachment figure in an attempt to restore feelings of safety and assist their nervous system in returning to a state of calm homeostasis.

Constantly connecting, check in with a caregiver teaches infants to self-regulate and self-soothe over time, but infants who are unable yet to fully regulate their own emotional states rely on their caregiver to co-regulate on their behalf.

When our attachment needs are met, we feel at ease and free to explore ourselves, others, and the world around us.

According to Mary Ainsworth's research, children develop secure attachments when caregivers are connected and responsive and can meet the majority of their needs in a reasonable amount of time, whereas children develop more insecure attachment styles when their parents are inconsistent, unresponsive, or threatening.

Without secure attachment figures, we lack the ability to explore and learn about the world and ourselves.

We grow and adapt by becoming more anxious, defensive, dismissive, and vigilant.

Understanding our different attachment types and implementing this information to shift into more secure functioning with people is a key element of maintaining and developing relationships.

The psychological model also describes how attachment issues can make it difficult to provide and receive the love, security, and affection that we so desperately desire from our partners.

It can help us in understanding others, establishing boundaries, and gaining control over our emotional states. It also teaches us to appreciate subtleties, avoid taking things personally (we are rarely the true cause of someone's feelings), project onto others (dissociate from reality), flirt (trust your body), and have fun (explore the world around us) when life presents us with opportunities we don't want to miss.

1. Secure attachment style

2. Insecure attachment style
   I-the avoidant/dismissive attachment style
   II-the anxious/preoccupied attachment style
   III-the disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style

“Labels can easily keep us stuck in the mindset of this is who I am,
and so this is who I will continue to be.
Instead of seeing ourselves as someone who struggles with anxiety,
we see ourselves as anxiety itself.
So when reading about attachment styles, please identify with what feels useful, and please be mindful of rigidly identifying yourself or others.
We are more than the problems we face.
Many of us have different attachment styles in relation to each of our parents, we might have felt secure with one parent, but insecure with another.”*3

1. Secure attachment: when attachment needs are met in childhood

“Children who have a secure attachment style have a generally experienced a family environment that’s mostly warm and supportive.

Their parents or caretakers are available, accessible and responsive to their needs enough of the time.
Not necessarily all the time but enough of the time, when the child has an attachment need, they reach out to their attachment figure and that figure move towards them in a emotionally attuned way that calms the child’s nervous system.

This in turn teaches the child that allowing themselves to feel their needs and communicating those needs to other is an effective strategy.

A caretaker being present, safe, protective, playful, emotionally attuned and responsive is of paramount importance to a child developing a secure attachment style.

Early positive attachment experiences have a huge impact on healthy brain development and emotional regulation. When the attachment figure is able to emotionally resonate with the child, the child feels supported and learns to regulate their own positive and negative emotional arousal.

They tend to have better self-esteem, be more resilient to trauma, have strong social skills, concentrate better, enjoy play and have solid overall emotional health.

Through these nourishing experiences, a child develops a sense of safety and trust. They take in the messages that the world is a friendly place and that they can ask for what they want because people in their lives care and are willing to help.”*Jessica Fern

Secure attachment as an Adult

“The interactions we experienced with our caretakers create internal working models of how we see ourselves-both positively and negatively-and set our positive and negative expectations about how attuned and available our partners will be to us in times of need.

As children, if we reach out with our body and use our voice to get help or connection we need to mitigate our distress, and if our parents usually meet these attachment bids, we learn that we matter and are worthy of love.

This builds the foundation for healthy self esteem and a sense of competence in the world.
As adults, this helps us be more flexible when our partners can’t meet our needs.

We’re better able to weather hearing NO, to wait for our needs to be met at a later time or to seek an alternative means of having our attachment needs met without shaking the foundation of our relationship.

Two additional changes in adult attachment compared to parent-child attachment include mutual caregiving and sexuality.

As children, caregiving is asymmetrical: a child under secure circumstances receives care from their attachment figures but does not provide it in return.

But as adults caretaking becomes more symmetrical and shared between partners.

They don’t fear losing their sense of self or being engulfed by the relationship. For secure attached people, “dependency” is not a dirty word, but a fact of life that can be experienced without losing or compromising the self.

They also feel minimal fear of abandonment when temporary separated from their partner. Conversely, securely functioning adults are also comfortable with their independence and personal autonomy.

They are able to internalize their partners’ love, carrying it with them even when they’re physically separate, emotionally disconnected or in conflict.
Another important aspect of secure attachment is that, when distressed, a person can both emotionally regulate on their own, and also co-regulate and receive support from their partners.”*Jessica Fern

2. Insecure attachment styles

I. Avoidant/dismissive attachment style

Childhood

“A child who had parents who were mostly unavailable, neglectful or absent adapted to their attachment environment by taking on a more avoidant style.

Parenting that is cold, distant and critical or highly focused on achievement or appearance can create an environment where the child learns that they are better off relying on themselves.

When a child does not get enough of the positive attachment responses that they need or they are outright rejected or criticized for having needs, they will adapt by shutting down and deactivating their attachment longings.

A child in this scenario learns that in order to survive, they need to inhibit their attachment bids for proximity and protection in order to prevent the pain and confusion of neglect and rejection. In this situation a child often learns to subsist on emotional crumbs, assuming that the best way to get their needs met by their parent is to act as they don’t have any.”*Jessica Fern

Dismissive attachment as an Adult

“A person who is functioning from a dismissive style will tend to keep people at arm’s length. Usually priding themselves on not needing anyone, people with this style will tend to take on an overly self-reliant out-look, valuing their hyper-independence and often seeing others as weak, needy or too dependent.

Although they may present as having high self-esteem, people functioning from a dismissive attachment style often project unwanted traits onto others and inflate their sense of self to cover a relatively negative self-image.

A person with a dismissive attachment style likely didn’t get what they needed early in life from their primary caregivers, so they learned to get by and survive by needing little to nothing to others.

People in this attachment style do want relationships. They enter into relationships, even long-term, but may struggle with their ability to reflect on their own internal experience as well a sensitively respond to the signals of their partners.
They usually find it difficult to tolerate emotions related to intimacy, conflict, and different forms of emotional intensity.

People with this style will also tend to be highly linear and logical, showing many forms of competence and ability in practical or professional realms of life.

This overdevelopment of the logic brain can also create challenges with certain aspects of autobiographical memory- might have little memory of childhood experiences, as well as simplistic narratives about their parents and childhood being “just fine”.

II. The anxious/preoccupied attachment style

Childhood

“Parents who are loving but inconsistent can encourage the adaptation of the anxious style.

Sometimes the parent is here and available, attuned and responsive, but then other times they are emotionally unavailable, misattuned or even intrusive, leaving the child confused and uncertain as to whether their parent is going to comfort them, ignore them, reward them or punish them for the very same behavior.

This unpredictability can be very dysregulating for a child who is trying to stabilize a bond with their caregiver so, in the attempt to cope, they then learn that hyperactivating their attachment system through getting louder or needier achieves the attention they need.

In this scenario, the child can become dependent on their hyperactivating strategy in order to survive, fearing that if they let their attachment system settle and rest, then their needs will never be met.

This in turn can lead to a chronically activated attachment system that exaggerates threats if potential abandonment, which may or may not actually be there.
Over-involving the child in the parent’s stated of mind is more central to the parent-child interaction then the child’s. In this case the child might be asked (whether explicitly or implicitly) to be responsible for meeting the parent’s needs, making the parent feel better or supplying the parent with meaning and purpose.
This is often due to a parent’s own level of anxiety, stress or unresolved trauma, or their own anxious attachment history.
When the state of the mind of the parent is the centerpiece of interactions, the child is left to constantly monitor and be concerned about their parent’s state of well-being, which can encourage a role reversal in which the child is acting more like a parent in this relationship.

As a child, being responsible for a parent’s well-being is a misplaced, confusing and overwhelming responsibility.

Parents who discourage their child’s agency and autonomy though comments or suggestions that insinuate, whether subtly or overtly, that the child is incapable, less than or not enough in some way.

Parents can struggle with their own anxiety can easily get overwhelmed by children who want to explore and discourage or overprotect the child in ways that undermine their interests or abilities.”

Preoccupied Attachment as an Adult

“People with this attachment style demonstrate an intense focus and heightened concern about the level of closeness in their relationship.

A defining factor of the preoccupied style is how the person’s hyperactivated strategy not only amplifies their attachment bids, but also intensifies their focus on their partners. Because of this they may end up constantly monitoring their partners’ level of availability, interest and responsiveness.

Hyperfocus on the other can lead to a disconnection or loss of self through over-functioning and over-adapting in the relationship in an attempt to maintain and reserve the connection.

Frequently consumed by fears of abandonment people functioning out of a preoccupied style will easily give up their own needs or sense of self, yeilding to the needs or identity of their partner in order to ensure proximity and relationship security.
Due to their history of unpredictable and inconsistent love, they can have considerable challenges with trusting that their partners truly love them.

People functioning from this style tend to jump into relationships or bond very quickly. Often idealizing their partners, they may confuse anxiety and intensity for being in love, hearing and seeing only what they want to see and missing potential red flags.
They may not allow enough time to get to know someone beyond the honeymoon phase in order to assess if this persona, and this relationship, are truly a good fit.”

III. The disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style
Childhood

”Children with this style have an attachment system that seems to be hyperactivated and deactivated in the same time.
They don’t display a consistent organized attachment strategy in the same way that children with secure, anxious or avoidant style do. Instead they seemed to lack a coherent organization of which strategy to employ, often vacillating between the anxious and avoidant styles.

The disorganized style is most commonly associated with trauma and it typically arises when a child experiences their attachment figure as scary, threatening or dangerous.

This puts the child in a paradoxical situation where their caretaker who is supposed to be the source of their comfort and the solution to their fears, is actually the source of their fear instead.

The predominant factor leading to this style in childhood is having parents who are suffering from their own unresolved trauma or losses. When a parents has a history of unresolved trauma, they are more easily overwhelmed by life demands and emotionally flooded by their child’s emotional stated.

Unable to regulate their own emotions, parents with their own history of unhealed trauma, neglect or abuse might act out, lash out or completely tune out in ways that are scary for the child.

Well-intentioned parents who push their child into more and more enriching activities can cause children to feel destabilized from the lack of rest, downtime and free play time that is needed to feel settled and soothed in the nervous system.

Someone who is constantly aware of of the subtleties of the environment and of the people around them can quickly experience sensory overload.

Due to their increased sensitivity, even normal everyday events can feel too intense, too chaotic or too stimulating, leaving little respite to feel settled, safe and secure.”

Fearful-Avoidand Attachment style as an Adult

”In adulthood, the disorganized attachment style is referred to as fearful-avoidand.
People with this attachment style experience a clashing fear or either being to close or too far away from their partners.

They desire for closeness and their longing for connection are active, but because they have previous experiences of the ones they loved and depended on hurting them, they tend to feel uncomfortable relying in others or are even paralyzed by the fear that speaking their feelings and needs could be dangerous and make things worse.

They might request attention from a partner but then withdraw when connection is offered or, in more extreme manifestations they might demand attention or affection and then attack or criticize their partner when they want is given.

People with this kind of style are easily overwhelmed by their feelings or subject to what I call emotional flare-ups, where their intense emotional states takes over, disrupting their ability to function and, at times, taking others down with them.

Due to their history of trauma, their sense of self and others have been impaired. When trauma occurs, there is a rupture with the foundational relationship a person has with their self. This severed internal relationship with the self needs to be restored so that the person can go on to trust and value themselves, as well as begin to trust others again.

In more extreme cases, this attachment style is associated with high relationship turmoil, dissatisfaction and toxicity, self-destruction behaviors, relationship abuse, mental illness and addictions.

The expression of this style can either look more dismissive and withdrawing or more anxious, clingy and pursuing.
This style will likely elaborate negative fantasies about what will go wrong or how my partner will inevitably hurt me beyond repair, even if things are mostly going well.”

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One universal truth about attachment styles.

“From an infant’s perspective, it would be impossible to attach and bond to someone who is not there. The absence of caregivers can be dangerous and damaging, can have a ripple effect for years to come.

Attachment begins in the body, first in the utero and then through the skin-to-skin contact with our caregivers.
Physical proximity is needed for the development of the attachment, since it is through touch and face-to-face contact that we forge bonds with each other, and it is by responding to a child’s cries with our own bodies what we inform them that they are safe and not alone.

Voice also plays an important role in the attachment system. The right tone and cadence from our attachment figures can have the powerful ability to soothe us when distressed, and a person’s voice and body language can also alert us to how trusting and safe they are.

Optimal functioning of the attachment system and the formation of attachment security are best facilitated by consistent interactions with significant others who are responsive to our needs for proximity.

We need to know that our attachment figures are available to us when we call for them.
When we experience our partners as being here with us, it results in the positive beliefs that our partners care about us, we matter to them and we are worthy of their love and attention.
Conversely, when our partners are unavailable, unresponsive or mentally elsewhere, attachment insecurity can arise, feeding the fears and doubts that we are not valued, loved and worthy.
Being in the same physical space does not necessarily mean that you are here and present with the people you are near, presence is more than just being.

Being present is a way of being, from interaction to interaction, where you consciously inhabit your own body and show up with the best of your attention, offering “the most precious gift we can offer is our presence”.”*Jessica Fern

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Different aspects of bonds.

Polyamory is a concept that involves intimate relationships with more than just one person, where all parties involved are aware and consenting to those relationships.

It is not about sex, but rather about intimacy, which can be divided into various types such as emotional polyamory, romantic polyamory, sexual polyamory, bigamy, cluster marriage, complex marriage, and intentional family.

Monogamy is more a byproduct of societal structure than a natural state for people. The world today is proof of this, as faithfulness to one spouse and life-long monogamy is very rare.*3

Physical humans are mammals, and only a small number of mammals form life-long monogamous bonds. Lifelong monogamy became a societal expectation when land ownership came about, and women and children became extensions of property.*3

Before that, females were more monogamous than males as their fidelity guaranteed a provider for them and their children for at least as long as it took to raise a child to the point that they could fend for themselves.

Both males and females have played a cost versus benefit game when it comes to fidelity, with women having much more to lose.

A genuinely monogamous species does not address fidelity through the lens of cost versus benefit. As society became more modern, the social cost of infidelity became so high that life-long monogamy became a societal expectation.

Society was built upon that monogamous structure, and we adopted the belief that life-long pair bonding (otherwise known as marriage) was the end all be all of your life.*3

However, it is important to recognize that there is nothing wrong with marriage. Marriage can be an extremely beneficial in today's age.
Polyamory can be a cost-effective choice, but it requires conscious choices and discussions between partners.

To engage in a polyamorous lifestyle, one must work against society, which can lead to harsh judgments and consequences on a temporal level.

Additionally, today's society is set up to legally recognize only one partner and only a nuclear family unit, making it difficult for a polyamorous lifestyle to not become a method of rebellion instead of a genuinely in alignment choice.

”I have gone so far in the past as to say that the human race will only be ready for conscious polyamory when we no longer have any of our sense of self worth wrapped up in relationships.

In other words, we will be ready as a species when your partner loving someone else, does not have anything to do with you being good enough or lovable enough or desirable enough.”*3

Polyamory is often used to avoid intimacy and commitment, especially in the new age community.
Relationship anarchy is a philosophy where people are free to engage in any relationships they choose, allowing personal freedom and no clear distinction between "partner" and "non-partner."

This allows individuals to avoid intimacy and commitment by jumping to a new partner when the going gets tough.

Most polyamorous relationships today are not polyamorous at all, but swinging relationships done specifically to avoid intimacy and commitment.

Relationships are complex, and it is difficult to have an intimate relationship with one person, much less several.

Similar to marriage or other bonds, individuals can also use polyamory to fill a void within themselves. The bond structure's articulation does not guarantee the relationship's success.

People assume that a partner may fill the emptiness and loneliness we feel on the inside, using people as an addiction to get away from how we feel.

Different bonds have benefits.
1. The idea that relational exclusivity or sexual exclusivity is always necessary for a deep, committed, long term relationship is inaccurate.

Genuinely Polyamorous people experience deeper levels of intimacy with their fellow men.

Human beings lived according to their less than monogamous impulses for thousands upon thousands of years.

This was not something that was done consciously, it was done unconsciously. It was done from a limited perspective.

Our own evolution caused us to gravitate away from unconscious polyamory to monogamy. This choice was made and passed on for both positive reasons and negative reasons.

Our own evolution will inevitably again take us back down the path of polyamory. Only this time, it will be conscious polyamory.

Many people whose consciousness is awakening can already feel that this is the impending path of evolution for our species.
We are meant to awaken to and practice inclusive instead of exclusive love. However, by becoming polyamorous because it is the inevitable path of evolution is to rush progression.

Some of the most awakened people on this earth have chosen to be monogamous because it, and not polyamory is in alignment with their current highest good at this time.

We are capable of having deep, long term, committed relationships with multiple people regardless of whether they are exclusive or not.

2. Consciously polyamorous people often experience much more support than those who are engaged in monogamous relationships or who have formed a nuclear family unit.
Where there is more love to go around, there are more people there for you and greater support going into lifestyle and more financial contribution and more people available to support the children if there are any.

3. You get to experience much more of the gifts that come along with intimacy. You will feel much more connected to others and to the world and you will be closer to the living experience of oneness and inclusive love.ț

4. You will be forced to face all of your shadows involving relationships.
This creates rapid expansion.
You will have to separate your sense of self worth and self esteem from other people.
You will also have to face all your shadows about control.
The more people you bring into a relationship, the harder it is to control your external conditions.
The ego has a difficult time thriving in an atmosphere of genuine polyamory the same way that the ego has a difficult time thriving in an atmosphere of healthy monogamy.

5. There are more people available to meet your various needs. Often in monogamous relationships, we end up emotionally starving because we try to get everything through one person who can’t give it all to us. We feel terrible and they feel terrible as a result.

6. You will become an expert at conflict resolution and you will be forced to see things from multiple different perspectives. You will have to create a meeting of minds between all those various perspectives. It is highly expansive.

7. It never gets dull. When life is full of drama and intrigue and you have multiple people available to you, you will never get bored emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually.

There is nothing inherently wrong with monogamy and there is nothing inherently wrong with polyamory. There is also nothing inherently right about either. We must guard against making things broadly right and wrong or good and bad when it comes to making conscious decisions.

We must instead make decisions according to our own highest good at the time.

We can be in a monogamous relationship to escape ourselves and we can be in a polyamorous relationship to escape ourselves.

We can be in a monogamous relationship because it is in alignment with our highest good and we can be in a polyamorous relationship because it is in alignment with our highest good.

What is most critical is that we objectively become aware of ourselves completely so that we are not allowing our own shadow to drive us into or out of relationships.*3

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Self actualization

Many relationships begin without discussing the rules, transactions, needs, and desires that each party expects and can provide for the other.

Our adult romantic and living relationships mirror our attachment styles in how we treat ourselves and others in relationships, as well as how comfortable we feel giving and receiving love, security, help, and assistance.

We can have mixed attachment styles that will activate differently in every relationship. As I emphasized at the beginning of this post, we are not our attachments; each of us possesses a unique psychological dynamic that oscillates. Therefore, it's perfectly acceptable to experiment, grow, and stagnate in our relationships. Growth and learning are never linear, and they are never experienced in the same way by two people; we are truly unique.

Being kind to ourselves while discovering who we are and what we want is essential.

Some people find themselves unhappy in fixed relationships due to a lack of negotiating knowledge or skills; they use codependency to co-regulate their emotional states, leading them to believe that this is “normal” because it feels familiar but not checking how they actually feel or what they can change.

Some people find themselves functional and content in the same relationship over the years and decades. Some people are curious; they have the need to explore and try whatever life throws in their path. Some people have low sexual libido, and some have high sexual libido.

According to our unique biology, curiosity, and need for exploration, there is no such thing as normal; we must find our own place in the adult world journey, regardless of the formula.
As long as we feel functional and emotionally regulated in a consensual relationship with ourselves and others, that is our base of "normal".

Choosing our friends, partners, and collaborators based on what is best for our nervous systems can have a big impact on how we want to feel in our everyday life.

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No matter what kind of attachment style we mostly experience in our family history, one thing is for sure: as humans, we have the biological ability to adapt, to change our lives, to rediscover and relearn; as creative sexual beings, with a try-and-fail process, we can direct our lives in ways we may not have considered previously.

If no one has given you permission to be, to self-actualize, grow, or just feel at peace and rest, now is the time to start prioritizing your wants and needs, giving yourself the opportunity to feel new nourishment and take deep, long breaths.

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If you wish to support my free educational work you can offer to buy me a coffee or subscribe as a paid member; this way, I will know that I have provided you something and you want to give back in appreciation. It's not just about the money per se; it's about expressing that you find value, which will encourage me to continue purchasing books, studying, and maintaining my online presence.
Offer me a good COFFEE :) ☕

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Resources:

Quotes Attachment style: *Jessica Fern fromPolysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy
by Jessica Fern (Author), Eve Rickert (Foreword), Nora Samaran (Foreword)

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

1* The Neural Basis of Pair Bonding in a Monogamous Species: A Model for Understanding the Biological Basis of Human Behavior

*2 https://www.realtalkphilosophy.org/topics/polyamory/which-is-more-natural-polamory-or-monogamy

*3 Relationship expansion

*4Polyamory complexities of the heart