How Relationships are formed. Our fixation with Romantic Relationships, finding the "ONE" explained. Marriage Archetype. Different relationships=abundance of resources and inclusion.
What is the difference between Mature, Fusional, Teenager love. Learn how to identify resources, abundance, and value in relationships around you.
Welcome to my 16th post! Covering the fields of psychology, science, art, and history, I have a deep desire to understand the complexity of the human mind and behavior. My posts are free and educational, but if you consider a paid subscription, I will be more than grateful. While I have based this article mostly on my own research and observations, I have used information from a variety of sources for reference, as you will find below. However, please be kind with gaps or shortcomings. Read it at your own pace and enjoy this moment of solitude and self-reflection.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” C.G.Jung
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Table of contents:
Mother-father wounds. Our first relationship determines our attachment style, understanding how we first-hand experience emotional availability and separation anxiety can define our sense of self and future romantic relationships.
Finding the "ONE", the paramount of all relationships, which we unconsciously think would heal us by mimicking, recreate our first experience, and the “lacks” from of primary relationship in order to repair, finally feel secure and be unconditionally loved.
Why today's society centers around finding the “ONE”, how social media, religion, and governmental organizations promote, perpetuate the same values while celebrating and rewarding dysfunctionality- the length of a relationship does not always determine its success.
What is Fusional love, Mature Love and Teenger love. Differences.
Pair bond archetype and the Matrix of Marriage, the popular social-economical idea of marriage throughout history, significance and cultural importance.
How different cultures develop and prioritize relationships.
How we can form and identify healthy and good relationships that are based on mutual beneficial transactional dynamic.
*Resources and links.
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This week I had another topic planned; I was going to write about "Compatibility and Incompatibility in Relationships," but then I realized that establishing the foundation for what constitutes a healthy relationship and how they are formed is a vital first step before getting into understanding compatibility/incompatibility.
We repeat what we don’t repair. Mother-father wounds.
Our initial and most vital important relationship is with our mother, who is our birth giver, creator, nurturer, and protector. We are "ONE" with her when we begin to develop in her womb; we are in perfect symbiotic, fusional relationship with her as she brings us to life; and our first separation is when we are born and delivered into the world. We are unable to perceive ourselves to as separate individuals ( read more in my previous post: “Ego States and Roles”) until we are two years old and start to develop a sense of self. Our relationship with our mother is our first love experience and also our first anxiety/separation experience.
“We focus on separation between birth and age two because during that period children rely on physical proximity as the primary indicator of their mother’s availability. Mothers who have left the home environment, even if available by phone, are perceived as unavailable. Maternal availability is particularly important within the first two years of life because of the infant’s limited understanding of the reasons for maternal absence and the timing of her return. As a result, experiences of separation may be particularly salient. Even those as brief as a few hours in duration can result in distress. By the third or fourth year of life, the child increasingly understands that his or her mother has motives and plans of her own, and their relationship develops into a “goal-corrected partnership” (Bowlby, 1969/1982). Open lines of communication between mother and child thus allow the child to perceive continuity in their relationship despite brief absences. As a result, separation anxiety typically declines markedly (Kobak, Cassidy, Lyons-Ruth, & Ziv, 2006; Kobak & Madsen, 2008).”
Our second most essential relationship is with our father, whose function is to help us separate, set limits, so that the we can become independent from our mother and be more self-sufficient.
According to the separation-individuation framework, the father plays a particular role as an attachment figure, one that activates and supports the child as he or she goes through the necessary each of the phases of separation and individualization from their mother.
As we evolve, so do the dynamics of our relationships. We separated from our parents, make friends, look up for mentors, join communities, discover shared interests with others, and broaden our range of interactions and in result we gain a sense of self.
It’s in our nature to want to connect based on our common interest, shared passion, proximity, we look for complementarity and also for the ones that are similar to us.
We form more intimate connections with people with whom we disclose important information about ourselves.
It is natural to seek and desire a romantic relationship, and it is true that partnerships and relationships heal us, help us grow, and are required for us to mature, they are a necessity, we can not survive without relationships; we can and will experience anxiety, grief, and a wide range of emotions when we create a new romantic relationship, when we separate or attempt to reconnect with someone we feel attached to. We pair bond for a reason.
My goal in this post is not to pathologize our need for a romantic partner; rather, I want individuals to understand that the degree of intensity they experience, or the need for fusional love with someone, can be an indicator that something isn’t working properly and that there is something to investigate.
The distinction lies in our understanding of the reasons behind our need for someone who “completes” us, understanding our complementarity value, and how we can contribute to this relationship. Complementarity refers to our innate desire to thrive and prosper together based on the potential we bring to a relationship, which includes both compatibility and an exchange of resources. Whether we are aware of it or not, all relationships involve some form of transaction where we trade something with one another.
This transactional nature ensures fairness in all relationships.
Finding the “one/our everything,” the paramount of all relationships.
Sometimes our first relationships and the way we glamorize and make a goal of finding the "true one love" in our adulthood years, can lead to this fixation for a romantic partner, witch can be a set up for our need to unconsciously recreate this initial experience in order to be accepted, seek repair, and be loved as we have wanted to be by our parents.
If our first relationship (with our mother and father figure) is felt dysfunctional and lacked of stable connection and unease separation, we may crave, we may be emotionally starved, and make it our life goal to meet someone who will love and care for us unconditionally, accept us as we are, be our best friend and lover, and refer to them as "our everything."
What is dysfunctional and what is functional.
Traits of a dysfunctional family.
But the truth is that NO ONE CAN MEET ALL OF OUR WISHES AND DESIRES; it is impracticable; after all, what we want and have experienced with our mother is the fusion of us being ONE as we were in the womb, but this is not what we can acquire from our lover.
What is fusional love, mature love and teenage love.
And adult love is by definition not fusional; it may be healing, fulfilling, and transformative, but it's not supposed to be fusional; it's simply experiencing with our mother alone, and also depending on our level of consciousness we can have the spiritual feeling that at a cosmic, collective level we are one with the universe.
“The greater a couple’s tendency to fuse, the less flexibility they will have in adapting to life stress resulting ultimately in a less stable relationship. This is because emotionally fused people are more prone to neediness. As they usually have a sense of emptiness and feelings of inadequacy, they look to their partner to mirror to them their sense of identity. They require constant validation, becoming what they think others want them to be. This results in a great deal of insincere behaviour that cannot be sustained in the long-term often leading to feelings of detachment and even resentment.”
When we are adolescents and beginning our romantic adventure, we may misinterpret this kind of love, the fusional, symbiotic one, and along this path sooner or later, hopefully, we discover that Love is more than just being in love all the time, that love is a choice.
”The ability to develop and hold onto a sense of self is called “differentiation.” Differentiation is described as the capacity of the individual to function autonomously by making self-directed choices while remaining emotionally connected to the intensity of a significant relationship. In practical terms, it is about discovering a way of tolerating the pull to fusion and concurrently maintaining emotional autonomy while relating closely one’s partner.
Highly differentiated people have an ability to self-soothe which allows them to be able to be vulnerable in relationships, tolerate conflict and to take ownership for their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. They do not make others responsible for them.
Because their strength and identity does not come from others, they are in a relationship out of choice rather than need.
Mature romantic LOVE is a choice, of purpose of continually providing the opportunity for solitude.
Teenage love is instinctual, powerful, and innocent because we are still learning to identify emotions and wants while establishing our adult sense of self, and our hormonal drives all occur at the same time. This love may be highly confusing and intense, it can have a significant impact on us and how we form our future romantic relationships.
Mature love is more like a recognition, an enthusiastic acknowledgement of the other person's authenticity, respecting the boundaries and getting together feels mutual, beneficial, transactional and not effortless.
REAL Relationships need conflict in order to grow; difficulty is not a sign of incompatibility; rather, it can indicate genuine communication.
I will write about sameness and differences, compatibility and incompatibility in my next post.
On a poetical and romantic level, perhaps the most profoundly type of love is when our lover stands guard for each other’s solitude and provides us with the possibility and space for continuous self-actualization.
”I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other. For, if it lies in the nature of indifference and of the crowd to recognize no solitude, then love and friendship are there for the purpose of continually providing the opportunity for solitude. And only those are the true sharings which rhythmically interrupt periods of deep isolation”.
According to the podcast I’ve listen recently, relationships that permit occasional role-shifting, obligation adjustments, and our agreed-upon initial part in the relationship as needed are the ones that can last.
Consequently, it seems that achieving self-actualization is a crucial component of lasting relationships.
Giving the other person a temporary duty, such as choosing the perfect spot to have coffee on Sunday morning, or paying the bills this month, may make a big difference in your relationship overall, even in seemingly little ways.
Many individuals sometimes confuse "lasting" relationships, which are characterized by endurance, with successful partnerships.
However, the length of a relationship does not always determine its success.
In fact, many dysfunctional relationships are sometimes praised for their ability to withstand the test of time.
The quality of a relationship is determined by the individuals involved and their experience of compatibility and mutual consideration.
Ending a relationship can be a real success, allows us to free ourselves and show appreciation for the time we spent together, especially if we feel that our compatibility is no longer sufficient to maintain the bond.
By remaining in marriages/couples/relationships that do not finally resolve conflicts and in which neither one seeks repair, may separate as a sign of mutual respect and care for what has been honored in that partnership.
In this way, children born into that marriage/couple/relationship, if they are any, will learn that in life, you have the right to change your mind, that we must trust ourselves more than anything else, and that being incompatible does not make us enemies; sometimes things just don't work out, and it is good for children to know that as they grow older, they will have the option of defining their own happiness.
The role of marriage
It is important to mention that this romantic idea of a couple who pursues marriage for love is very new, but our feelings are not, we fell in love since day one of humanity, it's the way nature helps us to procreate and find the best mate, and at the spiritual level it is the highest form of individuation, when two complementary energies meet, they form a bond that can rise above our sense of ego identity and social status.
Marriage is a matrix and recurrent archetype in that it serves as a religious, social, and economic purpose—to assure men that their children will be their own—and a social and economic function—to ensure women's fidelity—rather than to emphasize whether or not their partners are in love with them—in exchange for this security and status that both people benefit from. This initial function has little to do with romantic feelings, and the institution's role is to create structure and order in society, to be an efficient type of cohabitation, but also to be the boldest move someone can make when they commit to this type of union.
The best known evidence shows that it is around 4,350 years old. Most anthropologists think that for thousands of years before then, families were loosely structured groups of up to 30 individuals, with numerous male leaders, several women they shared, and offspring.
As hunter-gatherers settled into agrarian civilizations, society required more permanent structures. Marriage became a widely accepted institution among the ancient Hebrews, Greeks, and Romans during the following few hundred years.
As the Roman Catholic Church grew in power in Europe, priestly blessings became a prerequisite for legal marriage recognition and made the marriage a religious settlement.
At the Council of Trent in 1563, the sacramental aspect of marriage was codified in canon law.
When colonists first arrived in America—when polygamy was still widely practiced across the world—the husband's authority was formally acknowledged via a legal notion known as "coverture," which incorporated the new bride's identity into his.
The bride gave up her name to signify the loss of her individuality, and the husband became more prominent, as the official public representation of two individuals rather than one.
1920, marking the beginning of a profound shift in the institution of marriage.
State bans on interracial marriage were repealed by the late 1960s, and the final states to do so also repealed their bans on birth control.
Since the husband "owned" his wife's sexuality until the 1970s the idea of marital RAPE was unthinkable in legal circles.
Stephanie Coontz, "Within the past 40 years, marriage has changed more than in the last 5,000."
There are many various types of partnerships, arrangements, marriages, and continually coupling, each with its own set of concepts that we should consider while seeking for romantic and living relationships.
How and Why Intimacy Is Changing
In his 1992 book The Transformation of Intimacy, Giddens observes that intimacy is undergoing radical change in contemporary Western societies. The romantic love model, which emphasizes relationship permanence (epitomized in the marriage vow of “till death do us part”) and complementary gender roles, is being displaced by a new model of intimacy, which Giddens calls “confluent love.” The confluent love model features the ideal of the “pure relationship,” meaning a relationship that is entered into for its own sake and maintained only as long as both partners get enough satisfaction from it to stick around. Partners in a pure relationship establish trust through intense communication, yet the possibility of breakup always looms. Giddens sees the rise of confluent love resulting from modernization and globalization. As family and religious traditions lose influence, people craft their own biographies through highly individualized choices, including choice of intimate partners, with the overarching goal of continuous self-development. Giddens argues that pure relationships are more egalitarian than traditional romantic relationships, produce greater happiness for partners, and foster a greater sense of autonomy.
How various cultures value relationships.
Across the world, we can observe how various cultures prioritize relationships by looking at what they value.
In Asian cultures, their relationship with ancestors, or with nature is prioritized and cultivated in such ways that it is their most important relationships; in Hispanic cultures, the mother-daughter, father-son relationships are highlighted; and in some native cultures, tribes are established by virtue of many relationships, and their connection with nature is prioritized as it is an essential source of spirituality, wisdom, and nourishment.
In our contemporary culture, we value finding a romantic partner as the paramount of all relationships, and by doing so, we unconsciously and openly indicate to others that our pair-bond relationships are our first focus and will be, with everything else coming second. We may disregard, dismiss, and undervalue other connections in favor of our primary connection, depending on our partner to provide for, care for, and satisfy all of our needs, like it’s already embedded in us that this is a must, our duty, and this is how it’s supposed to be.
It is true that we pair bond, and it is in our biology to seek out partners that will give our lives meaning, safety, purpose, peace, and a well-regulated nervous system. But we have a say in how we can choose to live in this wonderful dynamic.
Perhaps we have developed a blind spot when it comes to our relationships, our needs, and how to identify them, but the good news is that we can learn to see these things clearly at any time. It's possible to identify indoctrinating ideas and rethink our way of functioning, and there's nothing wrong with making a change in your life and questioning your ways of living.
We are flexible people in mind and body, and that's also what the teachings of yoga are saying: that there are some positions in which we cannot stay for too long. That’s why we need to learn to be flexible so we can change and reposition ourselves whenever we want.
Celebrating and prioritizing other relationships
Having worked as a people photographer for 20 years in Eastern Europe, I have come to the realization that the primary relationships people invest in and find worth celebrating are their romantic, civil, and religious unions, as well as the birth of children or kids anniversaries. Throughout my career (I am not a wedding photographer; I am a people photographer), I have photographed a limited number of sessions, no more than 20, that celebrate extended family, friendships, sisterhood, mother and daughter, as well as individual businesses and portraits.
I’ve had no one who wanted to capture their relationship with Nature, other types of unions, or non-romantic, romantic same sex relationships.
This is, for me, an anthropological indicator of what it is valued in society to prioritize, and appropriate to celebrate as I was and am a neutral photographer that promote diversity.
We fail to realize that by placing so much pressure on one another to give us everything we need, we are causing emotional starvation and contributing to a perpetual, exclusive, and couple-oriented culture.
Everyone of us wants to feel useful, appreciated and valued for what brings to the table of life, every relationship is a resource for something and it can contribute to our well being.
It is embedded in us the “other ones," the secondary-level relationships, that one can only experience love and security if they are in a couple, but not just any couple.
I cannot emphasize this enough, but the consequences are real.
We have been taught, that our only chance of being loved and cared for is to find a partner because everyone else seems to have one, and that ONE is supposed to be extraordinary and sets our expectations extremely high, discarding all other connections available because they do not check all of our boxes filled with unmet needs for amazing sex, financial success, completely “in love with us” mindset, filled with romantic passion, and of course… looks matter.
The ideal setup for unreasonable expectations from a single human being who is most likely seeking for the same things and wants the same needs, desires met.
We need to reevaluate this sort of dynamic; it is detrimental to our species and sense of identity, sexuality, and if we want to go forward and evolve into a more conscious collective, we must learn to be inclusive rather than exclusive; we have endless resources around us, and we can develop long-term connections other than those with our main partners.
We are now FREE to establish other living arrangements, expand as much as we want our perspective, get CREATIVE with what we want and need, examine how our society works, and choose who we marry or not marry, just exists in partnerships or no partnerships, monogamy, polyamory, single or in any kind of arrangements; it is entirely up to us to choose what we want society to reflect back to us.
How we build, identify resources and nurture other relationships
Curiosity is the key to all things.
Be interested in what people have to offer, want to share, like talking about, and what they appreciate about you. Ask questions to determine compatibility and complementarity.
When rethinking relationships, we might start with those closest to us. Our parents, siblings, intimate friends, and colleagues. We may learn to recognize and develop great relationships based on mutual curiosity.
People expand when they share what they know and feel valued.
Transactional relationships are often interpreted as cold or like a business, but they are actually just energy exchanges where each person receives something and provides something.
Relationships are dynamic and change over time, as needs can change. When one or both people perceive they don't get the needs or wants they value, satisfaction in the relationship decreases. This can lead to resentment and incompatibility.
There is nothing inherently wrong with transaction in any relationship, but it is essential to embrace conscious transaction. It is crucial to be aware of what one can truly provide and what they need and want to enter into the right relationships.
In relationships, we often enter them unconsciously manipulatively. We assume that the other person agrees to meet our needs, but this doesn't always mean they will.
This can lead to confusion and conflict, as we don't know what the other person wants or needs. Our happiness in life depends on our satisfaction with the relationship, and a positive transactional element is essential.
To be consciously transactional, we must separate love from needs in a relationship. Love is not selfless, but it allows us to include the other as part of ourselves, resulting in a win-win situation. Many people believe that love should count for more than personal needs and wants, expecting others to prioritize their needs and wants. This can lead to codependency and the belief that altruism is love.
To achieve greater relationship success, it is essential to enter into conscious transactions, where both parties know what the other needs and wants. This allows for greater control over the satisfaction level of the relationship and allows for better communication and understanding of the other person's needs. By consciously agreeing on the right energy exchange, individuals can improve their relationships and overall life.
How do we identify resources around us.
Uriel G. Foa's resource theory states that people have six basic resource demands. These needs influence their lifelong thoughts, acts, and relationships
1. Love (Being Accepted): Love symbolizes emotional connection, acceptance, and belonging. Feeling liked and accepted gives people comfort and self-worth, providing the groundwork for fulfilling relationships.
2. Service: Service includes physical care, support, and help. It symbolizes dependence on others for fundamental necessities, particularly in early years. Being cared for meets practical needs and builds trust and dependability. People want social support throughout their lives.
3. Status: Status refers to societal acknowledgment, regard, and respect that makes people feel proud. It comes from acknowledging one's accomplishments and efforts. Positive feedback and validation from caregivers and peers shape self-esteem and identity in childhood. As they age, people crave social approval and prestige.
4. Money (Currency): Money provides concrete resources for material necessities and financial stability. Money is ingrained in the family's socioeconomic setting, even if children don't directly feel it. Financial resources shape people's goals, lives, and well-being.
5. Goods: Goods are the commodities and resources humans acquire to fulfill their wants and ambitions. Material items have practical and symbolic purposes. Goods may represent comfort, pleasure, and social prestige in children, developing attitudes about plenty, scarcity, and materialism.
6. Information (Taught or Guided): information refers to the knowledge, skills, and direction people obtain to navigate their environment and reach their potential. From parental supervision and formal schooling to social learning and cultural transmission, knowledge impacts cognitive development, problem-solving, and adaptive behaviors. Information seeking displays human curiosity and mastery.
Uriel G. Foa's resource theory emphasizes the complexity of human needs and the relationship between individual experiences, social relationships, obtaining and identify resources. Recognizing and meeting these main resource demands may promote lifelong growth, resilience, and well-being.
Honor your own needs and desires before stepping on to assist and support others.
To fully connect with your wants and desires, ask yourself what you truly want, taking into account your bodily, mental, and emotional demands. When you find yourself feeling down, make a list of your personal needs and figure out how to meet them. Consider how you can satisfy these needs and encourage others to do the same.
If you don't know what you need or desire, think about what you know you don't want.
Denial of needs is not spiritual in nature, and giving yourself what you want and need does not transform you into a selfish or entitled individual.
The first step is to identify your needs, admit them, and address them directly.
This may require bravery, but it will put you firmly in your real self and give you the best chance of feeling nourished and in the position to learn to nurture others as well.
Abundance is all around us; we only need to look around and recognize value in all connections.
The fundamental and universal truth is that: We need each other.
”In our advanced digital age, one of the prevalent concerns regarding the increasing emergence of loneliness is how we have become less caring of others. At one time, our very survival depended on trusting and supportive relationships. Fundamentally, it doesn’t matter how technologically sophisticated we become; emotional connectivity remains a core part of being human.
We need each other—maybe not in the ways that characterized us evolutionary, but for a need that remains essential for psychological survival.”
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Resources:
Is it love or is it emotional fusion
Rilke on LOVE
Pair Bond study
Early Mother-Child Separation, Parenting, and Child Well-Being in Early Head Start Families
What Drives Our 'Romantic Obsessions'
Origin of Marriage
Books:
Stephanie Coontz:
The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap.
Thank you for your writings. They’re like exercises that maintain the mind open. 🤗🤘🏼
Very informative and succinct article. Thank you for sharing Katerina 😊