Anger, Aggression, and Vulnerability in Sexual Intimacy. Differences in how Men and Women experience anger and vulnerability.

Sexual and emotional intimacy.

Welcome to my 14th post! Covering the fields of psychology, science, art, and history, I have a deep desire to understand the complexity of the human mind and behavior. My posts are free and educational, but if you consider a paid subscription, I will be more than grateful. While I have based this article mostly on my own research and observations, I have used information from a variety of sources for reference, as you will find below. However, please be kind with gaps or shortcomings. Read it at your own pace and enjoy this moment of solitude and self-reflection.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” C.G.Jung

In this post, I aim to sum up how sexual intimacy can take us through the entire spectrum of human emotions and how secondary behaviors like anger and rage can be related to our feelings of vulnerability.

Sexuality is the origin of life.

Sexuality is fundamentally a creative and manifesting power. It makes no difference whether you are conscious or unaware of it. Every person's sexuality is the result of one or more life experiences that influenced their wants and needs, which are reflected in their sexuality.

I've come to understand that if we don't have the resources to form or experience secure attachments as children, it's very challenging to develop healthy, fulfilling relationships as adults. Anger, people-pleasing, or externalized soothing behavior (reality escape) can all be facades of our actual feelings of vulnerability and fear.

Knowing oneself, being able to recognize and name one's emotions, and having the ability to trust and be trusted are the foundations of a healthy emotional and sexual intimacy.

John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth initiated attachment theory, who points out that our early experiences with caregivers shape how we think about relationships, which in turn shapes our expectations, behaviors, and feelings as adults.

Secure attachment, which includes trust and being able to control your emotions well (self regulate), helps us build healthy, long-lasting relationships that can create a sense of safety and mutual understanding.

Making deep emotional connections with others requires vulnerability, often seen as the foundation of intimacy and sexuality.

People who are willing to be vulnerable—that is, to show up, be seen, and be truly known—make it possible for real intimacy to grow, which leads to more empathy, compassion, and emotional connection in their relationships.

We need to feel like the people around us are ‘moved’ by our pain and are intrinsically motivated by virtue of their connectedness with us, to alleviate that pain; especially if they themselves are contributing to it.
But this is not the reality for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family dynamic. This need goes un-met because in a dysfunctional family situation, all members of the family are simply employing strategies to meet their own needs, regardless of the negative impacts on each other. It is by definition an anti-trust building environment.
The lesson the children in this environment learn is: “No one is moved by my pain.” “No one will caretake my vulnerability”. In this social environment, vulnerability is a liability. *1

Also, being intimate means sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings, and desires with someone you trust, which requires a delicate balance of self-disclosure and reciprocity. It sounds simple, but it’s actually complicated to leave your guard down and just take the jump.

Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor came up with the social penetration theory, which says that people become more intimate with each other over time by gradually revealing deeper and deeper parts of themselves.

But being vulnerable doesn't always go smoothly, as we may have learned in our childhood. Sometimes, our fear of rejection or being muted overpowers our need for intimacy.

Anger, shame and rage

Anger is a cover emotion, also known as a secondary emotion. It develops in order to protect ourselves from vulnerable emotions and situations. To put it another way, anger is a defense mechanism used by a specific protector within you.
Anger is a self-preservation response meant to reestablish a feeling of empowerment.

On the positive side of great sex, we have joy, delight, peace, thankfulness, ecstasy, and bliss, but sexual experiences may also elicit challenging emotions such as vulnerability, rage, and shame.

Women's sexuality has been exploited and degraded in different ways.
We as women felt injustice, and our trangenerational emotional and sexual legacy is that we must fear; we are most of the time in danger, and we need to be careful with what we express.

Pursuing pleasure can cause internal conflict; while we fear men, we also receive pleasure from them.

We need consistent safety in order to feel empowered, and feelings contained is required in order to move on and beyond.

Shame is one of the most crippling emotions that women experience, blocking their progress toward sexual empowerment. Shame is a delicate topic for women, particularly when it comes to their sexuality.

Fear, aggressiveness, rage, and shame are all powerful emotions that cause women to shut off. Many women will walk away from what they truly desire in life rather than confront these emotions.

Some sexual experiences might elicit intense feelings of aggressive reliance, dependency. In these situations, a woman becomes highly defensive and resentful toward the person to whom she has developed a strong attachment.

Vulnerability might be challenging, but aggression is far more upsetting for women; some women refuse to embrace their sexiness because they are afraid of their aggressive urges. Passion can drive a woman to selfish wants for pleasure and instinctive hostility in order to achieve them.

Men are, on average, more inclined to show anger via external aggressiveness, which may explain why men are often viewed as angrier than women. In general, society considers male rage to be more socially acceptable than female anger. But sometimes anger is just a way of cover the shame of being needy.

Anthropologist David Gilmore has studied male/female relationships in cultures throughout the world. He recognizes this male ambivalence as being at the core of male/female conflict. In his book Misogyny: The Male Malady, he tells as that male anger towards women comes from his tremendous need for her and his shame at being needy.

There are, he tells us, “unconscious wishes to return to infancy, longings to suckle at the breast, to return to the womb, the powerful temptation to surrender one’s masculine autonomy to the omnipotent mother of childhood fantasy.”  Men long for the connection they had, or wished for, as children but are deeply ashamed of that need.

Distinguishing between state anger and trait anger is important. State anger is defined by subjective feelings ranging from minor irritation to intense fury and rage. Trait anger is characterized by a recurrent tendency to experience state anger episodes more frequently, intensely, and for a longer duration.

First, it is linked to low emotional intelligence. Anger-prone persons struggle to empathize with others, regulate their own emotions, and maintain positive relationships.

Learning to self-regulate is KEY for a good sexual and emotional intimacy.

Penetration (male)/ Penetrated (female)

On a biological and psychological level, males always do the act of penetration (force and strength), while women perform the act of receiving, being penetrated (containing, safety, and gentleness). As women, we receive, and this makes us more sensitive of what we get welcomed in our bodies. The penetration has a consequence; we might get pregnant, pick up our partner energy, we are more vulnerable simply because we are the recipient, container of life.

Intense anger and fights with your partner, can sometimes trigger sexual feelings. As a result, you feel aroused when fighting with your partner. Sex can help alleviate this fear by increasing intimacy and restoring feelings of safety.
Eroticized Rage

Any extreme emotions, including fear and joy, can lend themselves to intense sexual experiences in some. During the expression of these emotions, the body can feel a powerful surge of emotions—which can then translate themselves into arousal in some. This can be due to the body's "fight or flight" response, which can release a flood of adrenaline. At this point, much like an animal shaking for an extended period after a scare, some people may seek out sex as a means of releasing extra energy generated by anger.

Finding Common Ground on Differences in Sexual Desire

Differences in libido, or sexual desire, can make it hard to get close to someone, which can lead to frustration, rejection in relationships. Different sexual desires, whether they are caused by biology, stress, or the way a relationship works, can make it hard for two people to feel emotionally close to each other. By looking into the reasons behind different libido levels and communicating with empathy, couples can come up with creative solutions that meet both partners' needs and boost sexual satisfaction.

Many people think that sexual incompatibility is a small item of incompatibility that can easily be worked on and improved in a relationship. But in reality, incompatible sexuality is one of the hardest things to work on and improve in a relationship. Not because it is hard to improve things regarding the act of sex itself.

But because incompatible sexuality points to deeper oppositional desires and needs between two people.

And these incompatibilities (which incompatible sexuality will point to) will not just limit themselves to the bedroom. They will ripple out across so many other aspects of a person’s life and their relationships.
Most people simply don’t do the consciousness work necessary to decode their own sexuality, and what it means about their deep needs and desires for life and relationships. *

Cultivate calmness

When our emotional baseline is CALM and we know who we are, we can become effective communicators and form satisfying relationships.

After we've calmed the reactive nervous system, we can listen, understand, and communicate information rather than defend or blame.

Genuine relationships, presence, and connection become possible. We can integrate our hearts, minds, bodies by engaging in practices that reduce the reactivity of the nervous system. We can move from shame to self-acceptance.

I believe that if we all do bit-by-bit work on ourselves through different and unique methods that suit our needs (psychological therapy, yoga, meditation, whatever you feel you are ready to do) and connect the dots of our inner world, not only will our lives and sexuality be better, but we will understand our anger, give it a voice, face our rage, our fear of not being good enough, our fear of not being loveable, and be able to inspire others to do the same.

It is not an easy task; it requires time and patience. Our minds and bodies are incredible at translating our thoughts into action and life. 

Resources:
*1-The link between Anger and Vulnerability
Eroticized Rage
The Relationship Between Anger and Vulnerability