Motherhood, Sexuality, and Identity: Honoring Matrescence and Deciding Not to Have Children. Dealing with the guilt, shame, and regret of having children. Men's Role in Supporting Women's Choices.
#1/ An Interview with Matrescence Guide and Educator Simona Mustata
Welcome to Therapeutic Toolbox: Interviews and Insights. Exploring practical strategies and resources for individuals seeking to enhance their well-being. This page will include an interview series where professionals explore the core of their knowledge so that you can choose, depending on the time and place you find yourself, the best therapy or self-development tool.
Content: 17 minutes read, hang tight :)
- Interview Q & A
- Role of Men in Supporting Women's Choices
- Supporting Men's Voices in Parenting Decisions and Relationship Dynamics
- The Reality of Parenting: A Responsible Choice for a Sustainable Future
- Conclusion
By writing this, I am expressing my support for the women who want to have children, as well as the women I know who had children and regretted it or are struggling with this role and feel guild or shame; for the women who can't have them and only talk about how difficult it is, and no one ever wonders or stops before asking the intimate question "why don't you have any children?"; and for the women who are so fulfilled in this role.
Before diving into the interview, I'd like to provide a brief introduction.
There is more to being a woman than just fitting the social mold and being expected to give birth. Authentic femininity goes beyond what society expects and includes many various traits. No matter what life throws at us, we are born with an innate capacity for strength, resilience, compassion, and creativity. The complex nature of femininity is enhanced by the diverse threads of individual expression, cultural influences, and life experiences that make up womanhood.
The key is to be yourself, have control over your life, and acknowledge that every woman's path is different.
This article is for everyone, men and women alike, regardless of our chosen path.
My first guest is a very dear friend of mine, Simona Mustata -who is a certified Matrescence guide and Educator.
Matrescence is a concept that describes the development process of becoming a mother. It includes all of the physical, psychological, and emotional changes that a woman goes through when she becomes a mother, such as pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum, as well the challenges and changes that come after settling in your role as a mother. It is possibly a lifelong process.
Matrescence, the transitional experience leading to motherhood, captures the significant physical, emotional, and psychological changes that women experience. However, in addition to this desired experience, an increasing number of people are choosing not to become parents, defying social norms. The dynamics of matrescence and the various manifestations of womanhood are examined in this article, which also acknowledges the difficulties of motherhood and the legitimacy of choosing to live childless.
Q: 1. Can you share your journey and expertise in working with mothers and women in relation to their sexuality and motherhood?
A: I am a Matrescence Guide and Educator trained in The Seasons of Matrescence model, developed by Nikki McCahon, which is a complex model for supporting mothers going through this massive transformation.
It is a cyclical base model, that is deeply connected to our nature as women, that follows the same wise patterns, the same ebb and flow with the seasons of the earth.
In my work with mothers, I bring this awareness over their bodies and this connection to our inner feminine nature, and therefore with their sexuality.
Becoming a mother comes with deep physical changes and maintaining balance requires a deep connection with your body, this can often be extremely challenging for women.
I consider that Menstruation and its connection to our wombs are important topics to discuss, there are still issues that can be a source of shame for women.
Sexuality, or the shifts in the way they perceive their sexuality- that often lead mothers to having reservations about relationships with their partners- are also important topics to discuss.
I do not work with mothers from the Sexuality perspective, since it’s not my expertise, but I can say that it is not a topic to navigate easily or speak freely about. This is due to the associated stigma.
Q: 2. How do you perceive the intersection between sexuality and motherhood, and what are some common challenges women face in navigating this intersection?
A: Becoming and being a mother is a complex, ongoing process. And it is a holistic one because it impacts all areas of your life. And all at the same time.
While you’re dealing with your body changing and you renegotiate your new relationship with your body, you might at the same time be dealing with a decrease in intimacy with your partner because these two domains of your life are interconnected. If you perceive yourself as less physically attractive or if you find it hard to adjust to the normal changes your body is going through after becoming a mama, this might also make you less open to engaging in intimate moments with your partner. You might experience shame or frustration and distance yourself from them. There is a lot to say on this topic, but I just want to add that mothers enter this arena of motherhood, this totally new cultural realm, with a lot of pressure attached to this new role.
There is a predefined image and preset expectations of what the perfect mother should be, do, or look like that society asks them to achieve.
And among all these boxes to tick, the image of the mother still being a sexual being, entitled to her own desires and to expressing her sexuality and sensuality freely, is not there.
Especially if you’ve grown up in a predominantly conservative or religious society that associates most types of expression of sensuality as inappropriate or sinful.
So with this in mind, it becomes taboo for mothers to be sexy, to feel sexy, to have desires, and to express them, not to mention fulfill them.
Q: 3. In your experience, how does motherhood impact women’s sense of identity and sexuality?
A: When a baby is born, a mother is also born, a new sense of identity is born inside her.
Identity is now defined by the way we perceive ourselves, the way others perceive us, the roles we play, and the values we hold.
When you become a mother, you learn and develop a whole new role, one that, at least at first, becomes the main focus. It is normal and natural for a mother to fully engage in developing this new mother mindset, as Daniel Stern defined it, so that her baby thrives and she can care for them.
Obviously, this mother mindset has one sole goal: to keep this baby alive and prioritize their well-being over anything else.
At the same time, a mother’s previous mindset is still there, still present, just that it operates in the background. The one with her desires, her needs, her thoughts and opinions, and her other roles and passions. Her sexuality is obviously manifested and brought forward by this other mindset. It takes time for those two mindsets to intersect; it takes time for the mother mindset to learn how to live along with the other mindset and to reach a level of balance with less conflict between the two.
It takes time to grow this new you and to prioritize your sexual needs and your sexual expression, and I believe this in itself is a challenge. To understand that this is happening and to allow yourself that time. Another challenge is to stay connected to your inner self, dedicated to the nurture and growth of this new identity, this new you that continues to be, among others, a sexual being. I believe it is hard to return to and rediscover your values as a mother, to separate them from the “shoulds” of society and from the image society paints of the perfect mother.
Q: 4. What are some effective strategies or tools you use to help women stay connected to their sexuality while embracing motherhood?
A: As I'm not an expert in sexuality, all I can say is that I think maintaining a connection to your sexuality is essential to maintaining a connection to yourself. And that is something that often comes up when working with mothers, guiding them to strengthen that relationship, that connection to their intuition and to their wisdom.
Effective strategies and tools I use are exploring personal values and discovering what they are, cycle awareness, The Seasons of Matrescence Model and identifying where they are in their journeys, guiding them to find out what living according to their needs could look like for them and offering support accordingly, journaling and meditation, as well as breathwork and womb connection.
Q: 5. How do you address issues of guilt or shame that some women may experience when exploring their sexuality as mothers?
A: I feel that mothers really need to be seen and acknowledged for everything they are, feel, and experience. Matrescence comes with all the possible emotions in the world, and at the same time, culturally, we’re emotionally illiterate.
We don’t know how to support and accept all the range of emotions our human condition comes with, and particularly, we don’t accept hearing or holding mothers' normal emotions that we perceive as taboo. And here we talk about anger, we talk about grief, and we talk about sadness, shame, and guilt. These are no-no’s for mothers (Perfect Mother Myth), and what happens when a mother feels them is that she feels like she’s failed. She feels like there’s something wrong with her for feeling these things because she does not live up to the false and unfair expectations that the Perfect Mother Myth dictates.
So, what does she do? She pushes them down, hides them, feels ashamed for them, and does not ask for help. She isolates herself and sucks it up. That is a lonely place to be in, horribly unfair and cruel towards the mothers who go through such a complex transition as matrescence.
So, when a mother works with me with whatever it is she’s feeling and experiencing, what I do is hold space for those emotions, allow them to have a place at the table, so that that mother knows there’s nothing wrong with her and that those emotions are messengers of her deep truths, of what matters to her, of what she needs.
Once we allow our emotions to be felt, especially surrounding vulnerable and unspoken topics such as our sexuality, we can then take a step back and see what is there, what they tell us, and allow them to guide us.
I try to allow the mother to get in contact with all the unsaid and unseen parts of herself that come up and ask for a place at the table.
Looking at one's story, observing and exploring challenges, and giving a voice to the woman and the mother inside one allows that wisdom and intuition to bubble up to the surface and provide valuable insights.
She is the expert in her own life and in the way she wants to be a be a mother. She has the power she needs to guide her. She just needs a mirror and a steady hand to support her as she goes through the journey.
Women and mothers have given their power away for too long, and I stand by this principle when I work with mothers: speaking your truth, telling your story, and honoring yourself carry immense power.
Q: 6. What resources or support systems do you recommend for women who are seeking to reconnect with their sexuality while navigating the responsibilities of motherhood?
A: I recommend working with a professional who can specifically guide them in this area, is trained, and dedicates herself to doing this. And I recommend other professionals like therapists/matrescence guides, somatic practices, yoga, or anything that allows you to drop into your body to reconnect to what it means to feel through and with your body. A close network of women, friends, and mothers who hold space for each other, or women or mother circles, is also extremely beneficial for mothers to feel supported and know they’re not alone, nor are they the only ones experiencing challenges. I feel it is a mix of practices and people who can help, not necessarily just one thing. We need multidisciplinary support when it comes to this huge transition to and through matrescence, which is so unsupported and ignored by society.
Q: 7. What insights or strategies do you offer for mothers who may contend with feelings of regret or shame surrounding their decision to have children, or who struggle with not feeling the expected levels of love or fulfillment in their role as mothers?
A: Holding space for mothers who experience any kind of emotion is key to tearing down the barriers that prevent women from asking for help, being vulnerable, and receiving the appropriate support.
So, if you’re not yet working with a professional to hold you in these challenges and guide you, I’d say at least start with practicing more self-compassion and being kind and understanding of what you’re going through.
We all need to know that we handle things as best we can and that anyone would feel challenged by such an experience. I truly encourage you to find someone who can guide you with the care you need, and here I mean a therapist you resonate with, a matrescence guide like me, or any other specialist who qualifies to truly be of service to you. I can't offer strategies without first knowing and speaking with the mother who is going through it, because this is such a personal and unique experience that can only be supported by the mother and her wisdom.
Q: 8. What approaches or support tools do you recommend for women who have chosen not to have children or who are unable to conceive, considering the societal pressures and stigma they may face?
A: I think maintaining a close and alive relationship with yourself is to be deeply in contact with your needs, your values, your priorities, and desires. Considering our personal truth is one of the best things we can do for ourselves women. That is not an easy thing to do. I do believe that knowing yourself, and connecting to yourself allows you to develop a clearer and aligned vision for how you want to live your life, and it grounds you in your values.
Therefore, it's crucial to confront societal pressures and distinguish between what is perceived as the norm, and what is true for you.
Depending on the extent to which you experience these social pressures, stigma as being debilitating and interfering with your life well being, I would absolutely encourage seeking professional help in whichever shape resonates and is necessary (therapists, coaches, guides).
Q: 9. How do you envision the integration of sexuality and motherhood evolving in the future, and what steps can individuals and society take to promote a healthier understanding of this intersection?
A: I aspire to live in a world where women and mothers no longer exist in tiny small boxes with predefined roles and attributes.
They proudly speak about their womanhood and motherhood confidence and wisdom. I think there is a long way to go before it dissolves, centuries-old patterns that disconnect mothers and women from themselves, their power and their inner knowing.
For years and years, believing and hearing that you are small, that you don't matter, that you don't have a say in this, that you are not here; that you don't live for yourself, but for others, has left a deep dent in our connection to that inner power that exists unequivocally inside every woman and mother.
We share a deep collective wound that each woman who shares her story helps to heal, as does every mother who lives her life guided by her values and free of society's expectations.
As individuals, we can always work on expanding our horizons, on throwing carefully written labels, and on being flexible and understanding towards the diversity of human life. And the first step is always awareness—being exposed to different perspectives and allowing them to challenge us. Hopefully, this interview opens up discussions, challenges new ways of thinking to be born, and makes our readers look at mothers through a different, more complex lens.
Check out Simona's website at this link. It was a pleasure speaking with her for the inaugural article, and I have no doubt that her work will provide you with profoundly insightful information.
I'd like to add to this article my thoughts on the Role of Men in Supporting Women's Choices
It is critical to recognize the essential assistance that men can provide women beginning the matrescence joy as they navigate the complicated waters of motherhood, sexuality, and identity. Although pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period are uniquely female experiences, partners, fathers, and allies play a crucial role in creating a supportive environment where women can feel understood, empathized with, and empowered.
During matrescence, men can greatly assist women by talking to them about parenting, listening to what they have to say, and dividing up the housework and caregiving duties. Men can make a difference by becoming parents too, sharing the load and making sure everyone is happy. This will help create a more fair division of labor and make parenting easier for everyone.
In addition, men can work to improve healthcare access, parental leave, and childcare options for working parents, as well as other policies and social changes that help women through motherhood. Men help pave the way for a more accepting and nurturing society for women as they face the challenges of matrescence by leading these efforts.
Supporting Men's Voices in Parenting Decisions and Relationship Dynamics
Women's autonomy and decision-making are rightfully emphasized in discussions about parenthood because they carry and give birth to children. However, it is critical to acknowledge that men play an important role in the dynamics of parenthood and family planning. While men do not physically carry the child, they do have emotional, psychological, and practical considerations that influence their desire to have children.
It is critical to recognize that men have a right to decide whether or not to become fathers. Just as women have the right to choose whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term, men should be able to express their preferences for parenthood. This includes situations in which a man does not want children at all or feels compelled to become a parent in order to maintain a relationship.
Men's perspectives on parenting are frequently ignored or dismissed in discussions. According to societal expectations and norms, men should prioritize providing for their families and fulfilling traditional roles as breadwinners and protectors. This narrow perspective, however, ignores the complexities of men's experiences and the wide range of emotions they may experience when it comes to parenting.
Furthermore, men may find themselves in situations where the subject of having children becomes a source of conflict or manipulation in their relationships. Men may feel conflicted and powerless when navigating these dynamics, whether it is pressure from a partner who wants children or the fear of losing a relationship if they do not comply with their partner's wishes.
Partners should feel free to express their wishes, concerns, and boundaries regarding parenthood without fear of being judged or coerced.
We can promote healthier and more equitable relationships by acknowledging and validating men's perspectives and parenting choices. Men's voices are important in discussions about family planning, and their autonomy and agency should be respected and supported at all stages.
As we continue to advocate for gender equality and reproductive rights, we must not forget to include men in the discussion. Their voices and choices are critical in developing a society in which everyone can make informed decisions about parenthood and family life.
The Reality of Parenting: A Responsible Choice for a Sustainable Future
Bringing a child into the world is frequently portrayed as a beautiful and rewarding experience, and it can be. However, it is critical to recognize the importance of this decision and the long-term responsibilities that come with parenthood. While the idea of having a baby may appear to be a charming fantasy, the reality is far more complex.
First and foremost, it is critical to understand that a child is more than just an extension of ourselves or a reflection of our desires. Each child is a distinct person with their own personality, thoughts, and emotions.
Furthermore, given the current state of our planet, with its limited resources and environmental challenges, adding more humans to the world is not a decision to be taken lightly. Overpopulation is a serious problem that strains our planet's ecosystems and exacerbates social and economic disparities. In this context, choosing not to have children can be a responsible and compassionate decision that helps to create a more sustainable future for everyone.
As Sadhguru correctly stated, every woman who chooses not to have children should be praised for her bravery and foresight. Recognizing one's limitations and making the conscious decision not to bring more children into an already overcrowded world requires a high level of self-awareness and consideration.
Finally, let us reframe the conversation about parenthood to emphasize the significance of this decision and the importance of careful consideration.
Bringing a child into the world should not be motivated solely by societal expectations or romanticized ideas about family life.
Instead, it should be a deliberate decision made with full awareness of the responsibilities and the consequences for future generations. By adopting this viewpoint, we can create a culture that values informed decision-making and prioritizes the well-being of both individuals and the planet as a whole.
In conclusion
At last, we are not yet at a place where we can celebrate the many ways in which men and women may choose to have children or not. However, we will get there, by celebrating small victories and working individually to choose what is best for ourselves, until we are no longer burdened by expectations.
Though it may be naive to think otherwise, I have chosen to be authentic, and I hope that my actions will encourage others to do the same. At least in this respect, the centuries-old cliché about how interconnected we all are is correct.
That if we are all taking steps toward self-actualization, it will encourage others to follow suit. Our happiness depends on our ability to be receptive, understanding, and adaptable.
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